If I had a hole in my neck, I'd put pennies in it!

A lot of my friends on facebook have been posting pictures from this website called faceinhole.com. It's a virtual hotspot full of those goofy cardboard cutouts that you stick your face through and take pictures while on vacation. Only, instead of making your hubby the pirate wench or wifey the muscle man (which is still an option there) you can make yourself into a celebrity.

Since Jennifer Aniston and I have a similar head shape, as it turns out, I opted to be her. Now I'm totally growing my hair out...and getting skinnier...and hoping I have boobs like that when I turn 40....



I do secretly wish to be so skinny that I could be mistaken for a life-sized bobblehead, but for now I'll just photoshop my face onto other people's anorexic bodies. Like hers.



But we all know you're in it for my awesome personality and undeniable good humor. So I give you this guy.



Look up. That's today's present, you ungrateful bastards. I made myself into what I'm assuming to be Richard Simmon's stunt double just to make you all laugh. Go stick your face in a hole.

Today's subject line quote is Chris Griffin, "Family Guy" (1999).

You sacrificing someone on a mountaintop there, Cat?

So it was brought to my attention that many of you readers follow my life via this blog. And with that said, if I don't happen to blog for a few days...I might be dead to you. I am, indeed, not floating facedown in Lake Pontchartrain. Dead inside? A little.

Nah, I'm alright. I'm just super hellaferociously busy raising a child and trying desperately not to kill 2 dogs and a cat. I mean that in several ways. First, trying not to punch the disobedience out of them. Secondly, no neglect them to their untimely demise.

Yesterday I accidentally locked Miles in the bedroom for an hour. Because he's more of a big pussy than my actual cat, he doesn't whine or scratch at the door. He just sits in front of it waiting for somebody to stumble back into the room he's trapped in. And that's exactly how he was released.

My cat, however, I completely forgot to let out of the garage yesterday until it was time for dinner. I lock him in there overnight when I feed him so he doesn't decide to play a nocturnal game of capture the flag with my underpants all night long. I'm supposed to let him out and feed him again in the morning. But I'm the world's worst caretaker, EVER, and did neither. Two days in a row. Now he's on top of my fridge knocking off bags of cereal and lunchboxes in a mad fit of revenge.

Thank Blog there's only 30 more hours until Dom returns with my sanity. Maybe he'll remember to feed all the critters AND what rooms they were last in. He's awesome like that.

That is all. I will return with stories of Rosie's visit and trip down to New Orleans at a later date. For your gift today, you can have my dog.



Today's subject line quote is Chris Pirillo, "Call for Help" (1998).

Human contact... crushing... Goth... indifference...

I have a goth baby. He may not be into the piercings and dark soul mumbo jumbo just yet, but he's definitely got the makeup covered.

Lately, my little button pusher has been sneaking into my bathroom and playing in the drawers. He steals various beauty supplies and hides them all over the house. Yesterday he pulled out a blush brush from his toy box and proceeded to give me a makeover. He's dab the brush on the sofa and them apply linty dog hair to my face. I kept asking, "Is Mommy pretty?" and he'd reply with a head shake until he was finished assaulting me with my own makeup brush. Then, he finally said "Yeah."

What makes him a goth baby, you ask? Oh, today he did his usual rooting around and nicking eyeliner from my top drawer and I didn't pay much attention. When I did eventually turn to look at what the munchkin was doing, he was covered in black lipstick. All over his precious, emo face and hands.

Since abut 6:30 this morning I've been following him with a wet rag trying to clean the angst off his fingers...and my walls. There are little black hand prints smudged over EVERYTHING. It's even on his teeth! Really the smudging over his face and blacked out teeth make him look more like a redneck kid than a goth baby. Regardless, I'm so proud?

You want your gift or what? Today I'm giving you all this
and this to go with it

Today's subject line quote is Samantha "Sam" Manson, "Danny Phantom" (2004) {Flirting with Disaster (#2.11)}.

You know, the sun is the real silent killer. And not just direct sun, also second-hand sun.

In my infinite boredom lately, I stumbled upon an article on yahoo between playing rounds of Chuzzle and Puzzle Inlay. It was one of those news stories in the top feed that they feature on the homepage. You know, the ones they cycle out a sciency one with a trashy celebrity story and then back to a political hotspot?

It was a sciency one. And in honor of my missing husband, I clicked on it to somehow telepathically impress him with my quest for cosmological knowledge. It's all about how scientists are preparing to explore the side of the sun that we haven't seen yet. You can read about it here: First View of the Dark Side of the Sun.

The more I read, the more I realized that they want to study the "dark side" of the sun to better predict solar flares. Yeah, they want to give the sun an colonoscopy to understand when it's going to fart.

That's all. I simply have a juvenile sense of humor and felt obligated to share it. For those of you more into slapstick comedy, I did spill coffee all over my floor 2 seconds after accidentally unplugging the laptop. I sort of juggled the coffee mug like a hot potato for a bit before it rolled off my arm, liquid streaming the whole time. At least my room smells like hazelnut now, right?

Now for your gift! How bout some bangin', light up sunglasses?



Today's subject line quotes is Jim Maxwell, "Action" (1996) {Twelfth Step to Hell}(#1.6)}.

What's the rush? I got enough grease slapped on me to lubricate a diesel.

While Dom has been away, I have found a new love. A French lover, by the name of Batiste!

Let me back up a bit. My sisters chipped in to get me a gift card to Amazon.com for my birthday back in July. I promptly used that puppy on a cool as hell drawing table for the computer, but it left me with a whopping 5 dollars left over. Since then, I have been shopping around when I get bored looking for oddities that can only be found on a wonderland like Amazon.

Nothing was striking my five dollar fancy, when I read an article about hair care in one of my girly magazines. It was the usual la-di-dah about how one shouldn't wash their hair every day because it's damaging and so forth. Unfortunately for me, I have the world's worst hair for that. It needs washing at least every 12 hours. And I've tried about everything!

Washing hair at night? Nope, I guess I sweat a lot under the covers because I wake up with enough grease in my hair to fry potatoes. A lot of hollywood starlets like to use the baby powder trick too! Wanna know what that does? Gives my hair white speckles and goes right back to nasty in a couple of hours.

So the article suggested, for people with my problem, to try dry shampoo. I was blown away! I didn't know they made dry shampoo! Click, and proceed to checkout. It arrived yesterday and I looooooovvvvee it. It will be wonderful for those awful, no nap days when I can't take a shower. Or times when I have an appointment in the morning and don't want to wake up at 4 before the kiddo does to take a shower. Sweet!

So today's present is an amazon gift card worth $500 so you, too, can find your true love.

Today's subject line quote is from Coley, "Charlie's Angels" (1976) {Caged Angel #4.6)}.

I was wearing Bermuda shorts and that saddle was slick with toddler sweat!

What is it with kids wanting to get up before the sun does? I've been awake for 20 minutes now and I'm still waiting on that big, flaming ball to show up. Unfortunately, it's about 6:30 so I can't send the tot back to bed.

I'm really starting to appreciate everything that Dom does in the mornings. So far I've let the cat back in from his all night escapade, fed him and two dogs, calmed down the screaming baby, and fed the baby. That was all before I got a chance to pee, too!

Last night was the latest I've managed to stay up this whole week. Mad kudos for me making it to 10 p.m. everybody! I'm plum tuckered out. But at least the munchkin man went to bed at 8:00 last night and not 7-7:30 like he's been crashing lately. He's trying to get used to Dom being gone too. He's really been testing me to see what he can get away with, with only one parent around.

So far I've had him steal my wallet out of my purse and hide it in the kitchen drawer (later I also found my shampoo and deodorant in said drawer), learn to climb on the sofa (where I had to do a dive to catch him and keep him from cracking his head open and spilling brains everywhere), and had him climb on top of the dining room table...twice. Thanks to my mom's brilliant advice, I set up the pack n' play as a time out spot. That way I can actually ignore him during that time and he's less likely to do all that bad stuff. It also gives me 3 minutes to check my email or go to the bathroom without a toddler crying for me to come where he can reach me.

In addition to being Super Mom, I've also been pretty Suzy Homemaker in the boring parts of my day. I've kept the house pretty clean, done all the laundry, and even made homemade cookies. In fact, I was making those when Michael decided to start standing on top of the dining room table. I've even stopped using the dishwasher and started doing dishes by hand as they get dirty. It saves me time and is a little relaxing. Plus Michael likes to climb into the dishwasher when it's open...so that doesn't work too well.

Sound like we've hit the terrible two's anyone? Parenthood is awesome though. He's also proven to be a big smarty pants lately and not just bratty. He has been bringing me books to read him, like hourly. One of which he can point out the animals when I ask where they are! And yesterday I gave him a piece of pizza that hadn't cooled off completely. Instead of putting it into his mouth he touched it, said "oh" and then blew on it.

Well, enough baby talk. I think he's done with his cereal now...so I have to go get him before he tries to climb out of the high chair. I got him a booster seat for the table, but he sits pretty still in the mornings watching the Disney channel and eating his cheerios.

Your prize for enduring that long and incredibly boring email is some Swiss chocolates
and a Booze Belt.

Today's subject line quote is from Dr. Niles Crane, "Frasier" (1993) {You Can Go Home Again (#3.24)}.

Dude, stow the touchy-feely, self-help-yoga crap. It's not helping!

Last night was the big, 2 hour premier of "Lost" and I was passed out like a bitch by 8:55. Thank Blog for Tivo, right? Unfortunately, I did not sleep well despite my early retirement.

Turns out that Dom must be a massive, massive heat source in our room. Because with him gone, I was cold as balls on ice! I had the heat on. I had socks on. I even had a dog and a cat curled up under the covers! But did that make me warm and snuggly? Not so much. I miss the Dom-shaped lump under the comforter. But at least one day's down, right?

Oh, and I don't have to deal with Dr. Crapburger, Gynocologist at Large for a while. He said many, many things that would otherwise not be appropriate for a man to say if he had not been a gynocologist. We'll just leave it at that.

Now I'm trying to decide if I'm up for yoga today or if I want to push it back and take Saturday's class instead. Tomorrow I promised a friend that I would go shopping about 45 mins-1 hour away and I don't forsee me getting much down time if I don't take today off. I really love that yoga class though! It's the same teacher and level on Saturday, too...so I think I'm just going to go then. It will also give me something to do this weekend rather than be bored and have nothing to break up the days with.

For the wintery weather, today's gift to you is dude on a leather couch wearing a Snuggie.

Today's subject line quote is Dean Winchester, "Supernatural" (2005) {Phantom Traveler (#1.4)}.