Courage is knowing what not to fear.

I watched the film Critters last night, for the first time in at least 20 years.  In retrospect, my childhood favorites were all somewhat inappropriate content for my age group.  But I LOVED scary movies as a small child.  When I was four, my favorite movie was Poltergeist.  And to prove how weird I am to a whole 'nother level, I'll admit that my favorite toy was to play with plastic Easter eggs as people.  Kind of like Weebles, but without faces.  I named all of the yellow ones "Carol Ann" because she was blonde. 

So basically, I've been desensitized to all horror, gore, and otherwise spooky happenings.  I do not flinch in movies, I do not jump at haunted houses, and I do not scare easily...ever.  I release spiders back into the wild, unless it's a widow and then I'm fashioning a blow torch out of hairspray and a lighter.  I've faced snakes armed with a plastic sack and a spatula, before.  I even jumped cones my first night on rollerskates.  You. Can't. Scare. Me. 

What're your scariest moments?  What made your heart race?  Movies, television, novels?  That one time you and your gay friends got chased through a cemetary by a bunch of homophobic rednecks?  Wait...that one hjappened to me.  If it's media related, I'll watch it and film my reaction.  I am up for a challenge!  Please scare me this Halloween.

If you can get me to react, I'll give you a prize.  A good one.  Like, I'll make you something one-of-a-kind! 

Today's subject line quote is Plato.

Money won't create success, the freedom to make it will.

Sorry if I've been vague-booking my mood on social media lately.  My confession?  I'm not good with math and my budget is shit.  Unless some financial miracle happens, school will be back to being a daydream.  I've applied for another type of student loan that might cover the rest of the cost of school, but it doesn't change the fact that I'll be taking a pay cut to work part time.  I've got a lot of little things that I could cut out to save some cash, but it's going to be difficult. 

I'm not a couponer.  I don't follow budgets well.  I don't track my spending hardly at all.  I'm basically a 33 year old teenager after getting her first job.  Look at all the monies I have!! I will spend it on Rockstar energy drinks and Amazon Prime!   But in all seriousness, my entire paycheck goes to childcare.  This whole school shindig is supposed to help me establish a real career where I could, potentially, afford to live without being completely dependent on support payments from my ex. 

But, I do live in Hoighty Toighty, CA USA.  Things are fucking expensive here and I'm a spoiled brat who is shitty with money.  I can do this.  Right?  I can totally reign in my inner Millennial and tighten up.  Though my essential bills like medications and electricity are pretty heavy.  I worry about those, too.

I also need to be patient with myself.  I'm working from the ground up and I've already upgraded my job once in the last year.  I was making minimum wage at a grocery store seven months ago and have already negotiated my wages up a dollar past starting pay for my current job.  I've been a stay-at-home mom my entire adult life outside of college until now.  I'm in the same category as a young adult who just moved out of her parent's basement.  I shouldn't expect my life to be together yet.  And sometimes life isn't put-togetherable.  Maybe a career with house and a car and a daily Starbuck's addiction isn't an attainable goal?  Time to shift some expectations and grow up.

Today's subject line quote is from Nelson Mandela. 

I see you shiver with antici...........pation.

Last night was the final bout of the season for the Monterey Bay Derby Dames and it was a very bittersweet night for me.  The event was themed Rocky Horror Roller Derby, so there were maid costumes and booty shorts with corsets a plenty.  Yours truly rocked the latter with some thigh high boots and fishnets (that have seen better days since I last wore them for my Harley Quinn costume last Halloween). 

It was a great game.  I'm only hella jealous to not have been on the track with my teammates, blocking against Spacey Lords.  This was supposed to be my bout.  This was the one we were all convinced I'd have passed my 27 laps in 5 minutes and be out there, using my magnificently large ass to my advantage.  Despite attempting my time trial multiple times per week, attending back to back practices, and scrimmaging sometimes for a total of 10 hours of skating per week, I still didn't make it over that plateau.  And it looks like I'll have to wait another year or so to get back to it, since my school schedule won't allow me to practice with the Dames any longer. 

Going to cosmetology school is an exciting new endeavor and I'm thrilled to be taking this opportunity for myself.  But, taking it at the expense of derby is heartbreaking.  Derby empowered me.  I regained (if not gathered for the first time in my life) a sense of confidence and badassery.  When I got my peacock tattoo, I told myself "If you can do this, you can do anything."  And I was right.  Derby saved my soul in the sense that I had spirit again.  There was something just for me that sparked the passion deep down in my guts.  I'm terrified what my life will be like without it, but I'm hoping hair design will give me that buzz as well. Derby is beautiful.  Everyone on the track is a combination of both fierce and agile. It's like performing a brutal dance.  I hope to dance again in the future.

In the mean time, I'll be volunteering with the league as an NSO (Non-Skating Official) and doing all the social events I possibly can.  Like how I sacrificed sleeping in order to go to the midnight showing of Rocky Horror at Paper Wing Theater last night after the bout.  It was amazingly fun and so worth the bags under my eyes this morning at work.  The cast was spectacular!  But honestly?  The star of the evening was, no doubt, my chest.

It was overheard during the game that bets were being taken on whether or not I'd have a wardrobe malfunction.  I did not, so I made 1 out of 5 guys richer.  You're welcome!  All my friends wanted to poke them.  Dr. Frankenfurter wanted to kiss them.  Strangers either stared at them or made really intense eye contact.  My teammates just randomly shouted "Booooobs!" at me all night long.  It was fun to be a spectacle, even more fun to be something I'm not usually.  It's not like I'm letting the ladies hang out with me at work.  I don't go to parent meetings with a baby butt on full display, either.  So it was nice to get out there and be sexy for an evening. 

Overall, it was a good night.  Even if I had some major feels about not participating in the bout and my decision to pursue adulthood over derby, it was a fun night.



Today's subject line quote is (obviously) from Rocky Horror Picture Show.