Tonight I was talking to my mother on the phone while checking my email (I'm a woman, we're decent multitaskers) when I glimpsed something to my right. As it started to register what it was, and how LARGE it was, I quickly hopped over the baby gate surrounding the desk and proceeded to freak out. That's because what I saw was something like this...
Okay, so it wasn't bigger than a house since it was inside my house. But it did look like it could eat me--or at least win in a bar fight against a drunk biker. He was so huge, he may have actually been Spiderman and just didn't realize.
Now, Gigantospider had perched on the rail of the baby gate and nested itself between the desk and the wall. How does one smash a freakishly enormous spider that's wedged in a relatively tiny spot? That's when the hilarity ensues.
I had limited options.
First, I could just ambush the sucker and hope I smash the crap out him before he has a chance to fling himself at my face. But given his location, I didn't see much room for success. In fact, he'd be likely to hide behind the desk and I'd never get to use the computer again!
Secondly, by slowly pulling the gate forward I might bring him out far enough to...well...smash the crap out of him before he eats my face off and escapes to destroy the greater New Orleans area and lay it's eggs that hatch buick-sized monster babies.
As I'm evaluating my options, my mother is still on the phone giving me motivational tidbits such as, "All your laundry for the trip is in the office. You're going to be driving down the road and have one pop out and crawl up your leg." She was also kind enough to remind me that they could be lurking in my bedsheets or shoes.
Awesome. Now I have visions of spiders the size of my face coming out of the pipes, waving their fangs at me and I will NEVER SLEEP AGAIN.
I opted to arm myself with Dom's shoe and a rolled up newspaper and to stare at it for nearly half an hour, throwing in a good shiver and squeemish girly noise occasionally. But I knew option #2 was my safest bet, so I began pulling the gate out at a rate measured by nanometers per decade.
The splatter of spider guts was epic. It's like I hit it with just the right umph to shoot its legs into the wall and send the body spiraling to the floor. And it still wasn't dead! Because we all know you can pulverize a spider into 14 pieces, scattered across 3 states but it will still twitch if you go to pick it up with a paper towel.
That's why I hit it 9238749237439 more times with the shoe and carried it to the bathroom with a pair of tongs and flushed it. And now it will live in the sewers of Louisiana and send an army of mutant spiderlings up through the toilets of the unexpecting masses.
Today's subject line quote is Paige [after getting stuck on the wall by a spider-demon], "Charmed" (1998).
2 years ago