Thursday, June 11, 2009

Bug spray. We should've used bug spray.

Tonight I was talking to my mother on the phone while checking my email (I'm a woman, we're decent multitaskers) when I glimpsed something to my right. As it started to register what it was, and how LARGE it was, I quickly hopped over the baby gate surrounding the desk and proceeded to freak out. That's because what I saw was something like this...

Okay, so it wasn't bigger than a house since it was inside my house. But it did look like it could eat me--or at least win in a bar fight against a drunk biker. He was so huge, he may have actually been Spiderman and just didn't realize.

Now, Gigantospider had perched on the rail of the baby gate and nested itself between the desk and the wall. How does one smash a freakishly enormous spider that's wedged in a relatively tiny spot? That's when the hilarity ensues.

I had limited options.

First, I could just ambush the sucker and hope I smash the crap out him before he has a chance to fling himself at my face. But given his location, I didn't see much room for success. In fact, he'd be likely to hide behind the desk and I'd never get to use the computer again!

Secondly, by slowly pulling the gate forward I might bring him out far enough to...well...smash the crap out of him before he eats my face off and escapes to destroy the greater New Orleans area and lay it's eggs that hatch buick-sized monster babies.

As I'm evaluating my options, my mother is still on the phone giving me motivational tidbits such as, "All your laundry for the trip is in the office. You're going to be driving down the road and have one pop out and crawl up your leg." She was also kind enough to remind me that they could be lurking in my bedsheets or shoes.

Awesome. Now I have visions of spiders the size of my face coming out of the pipes, waving their fangs at me and I will NEVER SLEEP AGAIN.

I opted to arm myself with Dom's shoe and a rolled up newspaper and to stare at it for nearly half an hour, throwing in a good shiver and squeemish girly noise occasionally. But I knew option #2 was my safest bet, so I began pulling the gate out at a rate measured by nanometers per decade.

The splatter of spider guts was epic. It's like I hit it with just the right umph to shoot its legs into the wall and send the body spiraling to the floor. And it still wasn't dead! Because we all know you can pulverize a spider into 14 pieces, scattered across 3 states but it will still twitch if you go to pick it up with a paper towel.

That's why I hit it 9238749237439 more times with the shoe and carried it to the bathroom with a pair of tongs and flushed it. And now it will live in the sewers of Louisiana and send an army of mutant spiderlings up through the toilets of the unexpecting masses.

Today's subject line quote is Paige [after getting stuck on the wall by a spider-demon], "Charmed" (1998).

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

So, it's like a secret society?

No word from Dominic since his flight landed on Monday. I'm assuming they're not letting anybody on the boat contact family so they can be all secrety and hunt bad guy submarines. Or something boss like that? Because if it's something lame, like Dom forgetting to email me, it's a bit more uncool.

Speaking of which, I went to my Zumba class tonight. Evenings at the MegaGym are ridiculously packed. First off, I had to wait in line to even turn into the parking lot because there were cars waiting in line for someone to leave their spot! There was a line to wait in line...

So the class was super pakced and the only spot for me was, naturally, by the window. Let's forget that I had an exhausting day with le bebe, battled ants for claim to my bathroom, or the fact that my dinner was a PB & J. If you take all of that away and put me by the window on my BEST day in Zumba, I still look like a freaktard. Now I've got everyone walking in from the main entrance stopping to stare at me like I'm a fish in the aquarium. Children even tap on the glass.

But at least I wasn't the girl in pink up front. She likes to boogie, and I don't think she cares who knows it. Unfortunately, she looked a lot like Selma Blair in Cruel Intentions when she was dancing around, singing "secret society, secret society."

Today's subject line quote is Cecile Caldwell, "Cruel Intentions" (1999).

Monday, June 8, 2009

I'm a little concerned that your date has her hand down my pants.

Dom made it safely to Norfolk yesterday afternoon and will setting sail sometime today, I believe. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, things did not get off to a smooth start.

My friend, Christine, watched Michael for us Sunday night so we could go on a date! It was super sweet of her to take on a rambunctious toddler on top of her 3 other boys. Not literally on top--you know what I mean.

Anyway, we went to see Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian. It was cute and about as funny as the first, but overall it felt like the writers got lazy and recycled a lot of the same old jokes. I think sequels often have the same affect as senioritis; they don't really give a crap because everything is secured. People will spend the money to see Piece of Crap: The Sequel because the original was good. Or if it really was sh-crap, the promise of a second movie means it will be better!

So approximately 105 minutes, a bag of buttered up popcorn, and half a king-size Reeses's Peanut Butter Cup later, we weren't exactly jonesing for some dinner. But I'm a caffeine addict and requested somewhere with coffee and we ended up at a local diner.

So approximately 45 minutes, a Belgium waffle, four giant slices of French toast buried in powdered sugar/drenched in syrup, and 2 cups of coffee later...

Michael had been a darling for the sitter! Later Christine told me, "When we were eating dinner, we asked Tyler if we could keep him and he said we could! He said he could sleep on the couch and he would be his big brother." Michael also kept kissing baby Jacob while he was there. Phenomenal news! Because when I hold baby Jacob, Michael tries to slap him.

We decided to reward Michael with a trip to the car wash. Most kids find the automatic car washes funny, so why not give it a go?

Approximately 10 minutes, a terrified toddler, and an over-squeezed set of adult hands later...

He wasn't a fan. He didn't cry, but he had to hold Dom's hand. He also kept looking out the window with bug eyes every time a spinner came by and telling us (calmly) "No. No." We paid $8 to frighten my son. Fantastic.

He fell asleep on the way home but Dom wasn't ready to put him to bed yet because he was going to have to leave the house around 5 a.m. and would miss saying goodbye in the morning. That's when I got to take this picture:

To round out the super-awesome date night, however, I decided to barf up everything I had pigged out on in the past 24 hours. Apparently I got some stomach bug and expelled everything I had in me.

Good news is, I finally broke into the 140's again! Only 17 more pounds to go before I reach my weight loss goal!! Don't worry, I'm planning on losing that through diet and exercise and not by vomiting. But, that's probably only 3 good flu's away from being skinny? But I am wearing this dress right now...

That's Dom and I leaving our wedding reception back in 2004. I fit into that dress again!

Today's subject line quote is Keanu Reeves, "Action" (1999) {Pilot (#1.1)}.


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