“You don't look fake when you unconsciously pretend.”

Confession Time:  I am a really good actor.

I mean, I am phenomenal.  When I was in elementary school, I was given the best speaking lines in the church pageants.  In high school, I attended all the forensics tournaments and directed segments for competition.  I was voted "Most likely to win an Oscar" my senior year.  But I'm not talking about acting on stage, where it's safe to be a character and praised for being entertaining and obviously engaged in pretend play.  This is about putting on a face and presenting myself to the world on a daily basis.  For this, I am colossal.

The best role I've ever cast myself in, is a bubbly blonde whose snark and wit often earns her big laughs.  She's a smiler--been described as inspiring and confident.  I've been portraying her so long, she often feels real.  Most people don't seem to notice that she part of a life-long improvisation.  We all know what "normal" looks like and I've done research, like any other actor worth her salt.

It's easy to show people what they want to see; they usually do the majority of the work me by ignoring subtleties and discontinuity.  It's not hard to change my words to fit what I should be feeling or how I understand what needs to be done to cope with stress.  I've lied to therapists, friends, family, and occasionally myself in this aspect.

The truth beneath this persona, is that I am tired and frightened.  I don't know what reaction I'll receive if I am unabashedly candid.  That perhaps my mood is so easily corruptible, I'm viewed as unstable, weird, or the dreaded crazy.  Because I am unusual--often feeling broken and unfixable--there is no place for me outside of my own mind.  I do not want to answer your ritualistic greeting with, "I'm fine."  But because, "I feel overwhelmed with minor grievances and daily living is exhausting." is a bit of a harsh bummer, I tend to retreat into the likeable and healthier version of myself.  I am a real adult, with responsibilities and obligations.  But I seriously have a hard time getting my shit together most days. 

Today's subject line quote is  ― Toba Beta, My Ancestor Was an Ancient Astronaut