Friday, December 12, 2008

Heyhey! The Postal Dude! I'll get you!

Talk about weird coincidences! Okay, I will.

Yesterday my former neighbor (not the crazy one that wanted to borrow Dom's uniform and always made me get the heeby geebies) read a note I posted on Facebook that mentioned this blog. She checks it out just in time for her to have a cameo. All about the timing? Or is she just internet stalking me? Just kidding, B. Welcome to the bloggity fun.

Now here's where I bitch about the UPS truck. I've been waiting for Dom's last gift to ship out via UPS for about a week and a half now. I really want it to get here before we leave on Tuesday so that it's not sitting on our front porch for the FEMA trailer neighbor's dog to come and pee on.

The website said that it was scheduled to arrive on Dec. 11. No big deal, that's plenty of time. So I hear the big truck coming down the road and I get that excited feeling that comes with waiting for something to arrive via mail or big truck. I'm peeking out the window to see how close it is, I put the dogs outside, and I wait by the door to watch it pull up right to my house....and pull right back away. No package! I look on the website today and it says "rescheduled delivery for Dec. 12."

They freakin forgot my package on the damn truck. WTF? Let's hope that's it and they didn't just break it and then buy some time to ducktape it back together.

Alright, Michael just stopped in the hallway to poop his pants so I'd better take care of that.

By the way, today's quote title comes from a movie called "Postal." Apparently there's a whole filmed dedicated to a "Postal Dude" serial killer. Here are some of the quotes I found:

"No, that's not him. Do you see how his hair shimmies? This guy looks just like Jesus."

"Postal Dude. Is that the best we could call him? Postal Dude! He's wanted for kidnapping, a shootout at the social welfare office, the assassination of Candidate Wells..."

"Only my weapon understands me."

Twenty bucks says it aired on Scifi.

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Correcto. Ice and snow, no Eskimo. Even hallucinations have laws.

Yesterday's appointment at the Doctor's office went better than expected. Dr. G is extremely nice and thorough. I figured she was probably good at spending time with patients when I had been in the waiting room for 45 minutes...

That was the worst of it though. She wasn't judgmental or harsh at all, she's already way better than any other doctor's I've had (aside from the OB's because they're required to be uber nice otherwise you might go into early labor). Made it out feeling fairly good about the whole deal.

She's getting me a referral for her gynecologist for my lady parts checkup. Let's hope I get the right number this time. I don't want to call any more police officers about my privates. She also gave me a prescription for acne. So other than my bacteria-face, I feel pretty healthy.

I went to CVS to get my pills filled afterward and froze my touchie off. It was in the 70s earlier this week! Today? Snow! Seriously, look out my window. Okay, now get out of my house. It is snowing, here in Slidouche! I'm the furthest south of everyone I know right now (except maybe Caitlyn) and all of the schools are closed today due to the mass hysteria of "le neige." That's French, because I'm in the New Orleans area. It's probably wrong though. I just googled it. Four years of Spanish isn't gonna help me communicate with the Cajuns.

Anyway, I left my keys in the car at the pharmacy. Almost locked them in, but since I was dumb enough to leave them in the ignition my smartypants car wouldn't shut me out. That's great, since I had only budgeted for one lockout this month. Dom already blew our wad of fat cash on that last week. I have no room to complain. I used to lock myself out of the house on a daily basis when we lived on base. Security had to come and let me back in a lot. I finally hid a key in the shed so my neighbor wouldn't think I was such a moron every time I had to come over and use her phone.

For her birthday this year I wrote this on her Facebook wall, "Happy Birthday! You know, every time I lock myself out of my house I think of you."

Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Aaaaaah! Doc, your fork has magical powers!

Wow, I think the Latin name for my household should be Vomitus Maximus after all that's been going on this year. Poor Dom got food poisoning from a frozen turkey pot pie yesterday. This is just ridiculous! We're healthyish people. Definitely more healthy than we've been in a while. Though I did eat his half of the pizza I made for dinner last night, in addition to mine. But that was just because he wasn't able to eat it and take it away from me!

Perhaps we should ingest some more vitamin C in our daily diet? Regardless, I have a checkup with my new doctor tomorrow afternoon. Whoo. That's a whoo like a deflated balloon, not a let's-go-party whoo. I haven't been to the doctor since my pregnancy and now I have no idea how to act. I mean, it's a checkup so do I list everything that might sorta be ailing me and make her think that I'm a hypochondriac whacko addicted to webmd? Okay, clue her into the fact that I'm a hypochondriac whacko, etc., etc.? Or on the opposite end, do I say that I'm completely fine and she say "Why'd you waste my time? I only see sick people."

My anxiety is really this, is she going to be like my doctors I've had up until Michael was born? Who were Bitch and Superbitch, by the way. Or is she going to be a nice, understanding physician like my O.B.s and the peeps in the hospital? I'm guessing that since she's a civilian doc, it'll be the latter.

In other health news, Liz replied to my plea for blog material with this:

"A 70 year old woman in India just gave birth to a baby. She had to use in vitro because all the efforts with her 72 year old husband went no where. Blog about THAT. *shudder*"

Okay, I will.

What in Brahma's name did you think you were doing, lady? Best case scenario you get to spend 30 years with your kid but only 10-20 of it will be coherent. You've just made him or her the weird kid in class that everyone will whisper rumors about his or her conception via a lab experiment gone wrong by the crazy, old, geezer scientist.

This is what I'm talking about people! Just be cause you're in your golden years doesn't mean you're owed shit. I'm sure her thinking was that she wanted to have children before she died. Why didn't you start, oh, 40 or 50 years ago? If you would have given birth to the little guy in your prime, he could be having contraversial invitro babies of his own by now!

That is all.

Monday, December 8, 2008

NORMAL? Some boring, old, normal, old, toilet goer, huh?

I'm suffering a blog famine of sorts. Material for this page usually presents itself, and often. I don't usually have normal, boring days like the average American. My days are frequently filled with odd encounters that I must immediately share with you. Like this one:

Wal-Mart is piping in pure Cassidy quality insanity fuel through their P.A. system. There is nothing I want to hear less while battling the mobs for the last gallon of milk than Christmas music. Unless it's Beyonce singing Christmas music in her gospel vibrato--which it was. I was so distracted by it that I physically bumped into an old lady last week. She's too old to be in the demographic that I'm currently holding a vendetta against though, so I felt bad. This granny was the so old I don't give a flying monkey fart what people think--therefore I will be surprisingly fun old. Which is why when I bumped into her and excused myself she said this, "Boy, I bet I could sing that better than she could."

Right on, old lady. Right on.

Other than that tidbit? I got nothin'. I've been having a fairly nondramatic week of nonbloggables. "Nonbloggables" are just moments in time that even I can't make seem interesting. Where's all my drama at? If you're a loyal reader and want this blog to continue, please donate a topic and/or story that I can reenact for the betterment of the internet.

Otherwise, you're just going to read my bitching about because they failed to tell me that my niece's birthday present was backordered until yesterday. Her birthday was a month ago. I ordered it October 23. Then the D-bag decides to respond to my nasty email with "That tends to happen during the holidays." Really, the "holidays" include Halloween now? Is that when the hysteria and incompetence can officially start now? I'll mark it down.

Well, crap. That was it. That was all the bitching I had saved up for future blogs! Seriously, comment, email me, message me on myspace or facebook, anything!


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