Friday, January 9, 2009

It's a doll! Step on it! It's over!

My days are filled with decisions. Is it a hazelnut or french vanilla morning? Am I working out or waiting to take a shower at naptime? Is vacuuming really necessary? Most are not-so-important, little questions that will eventually collect in a kharmic pool that I will eventually fish out the big mamma jamma: What am I wearing tonight to make myself prettier than the other girls I'm going out with.

Yep, it's another girl's night out. Just when I was done feeling like drunk over the holidays! Last time I tried not drinking a lot, but I ended up boring the craptoids out of Kelly and Geraldine. We all agree, I'm just going to have to suck it up and drink an gallon of tequila again. Did I tell you guys that there is a cashier at Wal-Mart named "Tequila?" Dead serious. Named in honor of her conception perhaps?

Did I also tell you that during my post-Christmas post the google ad on my page was for a rehab center in Memphis? Awesome. I was given an intervention by my own blog. Not that I need one. Hear me blog? The trash guy outside is not hoisting a can of bottles into his truck. It's equal parts diapers and dog hair as well.

Back to the matter at hand. I am going to be the hottness tonight. I've declared it, make it so. After a depressing realization that Geraldine bought a hot pink tube top to wear out tonight, I realized that my tank top and cardigan combo I was planning on wearing wasn't in the same league. It'd be like Streetwalkin' Barbie going out with Librarian Barbie. They'd both be hot, but Librarian Barbie's buying her own drinks.

After finding the most vibrant, sexy shirt I could find in the Express sale bin, I've figured out my look for the evening. I'm gonna do emo/punk scene hair and makeup. Kinda like this...
with some sort of stylish hairdo that is yet to be determined. But knowing me, it will turn out more like this...

Wish me luck! And because this shit is bananas, you're all getting a Gwen Stefani fashion doll collection today.

The subject line quote is from Dee Snider on "I love the 80's" (2002).

Thursday, January 8, 2009

The breadth of your social experience never ceases to impress me.

Ever have a day where you just don't feel like getting around to a lot of things? And then that day turns into a couple of days or a week, until you find yourself waste deep in dirty laundry and baby toys?

It's not quite that bad here. I have been keeping up with my duties. But I sure haven't wanted to. Perhaps its the post vacation need for a real vacation. It would be simply spectacular to have an, honest to Blog, vacation with Dom. Maybe one with childcare so I could enjoy being me and not worrying about being a mother the whole time. Whatever this is, it need to go away. It's making me all mopey and bored when there are perfectly entertaining things to be doing.

Yesterday I warped my whole morning around a pediatrician appointment for Michael because I thought he had an ear infection--turns out he's just cranky. That's the official diagnosis--teething baby who flirts with the lady doctor. She's the kind of really nice physician that Dr. House would totally berrate for being cute and loveable until she vomited unicorns and rainbows.

Oh my blog, my life has come down to me comparing everything to fictional television characters! Seriously, I need some socialization. With adults. That don't annoy me.

And because I want you to have what I can't; today's present is an all inclusive trip to this picture:

Today's subject line quote is from Gil Grissom of "CSI: Crime Scene Investigation" (2000) {Fur and Loathing(#4.5)} .

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

No-one holds a scalpel until I'm so happy I'm Mary Freaking Poppins.

So, new layout. You likey? Great! It's not today's present; though, it should be. Because if you really loved me then what makes me happy should make you happy. I've also decided to incorporate an explanation of the movie quote subject lines into the posts. I know it takes some of the magic and "huh?" out of it, but it also takes the "huh?" out of it.

Yesterday I got caught up on all of the shows online that I sort of like but aren't committed enough to to watch when they aire. Dear Blog, I don't think my brain can take that much Grey's Anatomy in one day. I suffered a dramatic narration overload. Not to mention, just thinking about that show makes my hormones skyrocket and I become a weepy emo-teen. Seriously. It's amazingly torturous and addictive.

I also indulge in online eps of Eli Stone and Samantha Who because nobody needs to go without an imaginary George Michael dance number in their day AND I'm attracted to Christina Applegates's hair like a moth to a very shiny, silky, and curly flame.

As promised, here is today's gifty gift of magical goodness...

Not only do you get the super-absorbent ShamWOW towel, but as a bonus I'm throwing in the mega creepy, Willem Defoe look alike on meth sales guy!

Today's subject line quote is from Dr. Miranda Bailey of Grey's Anatomy bitching about her interns.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

I saw two of my ex-girlfriends on Oprah. One had become a man. The other was dating him.

I'm not finding much motivation to go to the gym of later. Other than my thighs looking like two giant hams rubbing together--that's a good one. But the icky rain is making me not want to leave the house. Like, ever.

It's perfectly cozy here at home in my p.j.'s and slippers. I don't think I've worn real clothes since Sunday. Sunday? Did I even go outside Sunday? I went for a walk in the park, but it may have been Saturday. Wait, this is making me sound nasty. I change my clothes. I've even showered every day. But instead of putting on jeans and a sweater, I find myself gravitating back to the bottom drawer full of loose yoga pants and duck print pajamas.

With the week being one giant rainstorm, I just can't give up the opportunity to feel snuggly and warm inside. It's like a day off or an extended vacation...except I still have to do all the work that I normally do. Minus the gym.

Alright readers, I'm grateful that you are anxious for more bloggage! But presents? Really, guys? How is me blogging every day not the best gift of all? Okay, I'll give you something special...but only because without you all this page just becomes a sad little website journal that Russians stumble upon looking for Granny porn.

Here is today's goodie, one million Canadian dollars. That's like 2 billion real dollars!

Do you know how many grizzly bears that could buy? Or people you could pay to say "aboot" or "eh?"

Since every day with me is a gift in itself, I think we should celebrate. I'm going to be the Oprah of blog and give my audience members priceless giveaways.


Follow me. I might lead you somewhere you haven't been.