"Here I am. . . the Too Much Woman, with my too-tender heart and my too-much emotions."

There is an article going around Facebook about  "The Too Much Woman."  I resonate with this, greatly.  It is me and I am unapologetic.  Why?  Because it's not "too much."  It's enough.  When something is a need, it's never too much. 

This is my existence--my truth in living.  I've never been any less than this type of woman.  And for that article to be a whole viral phenomenon, I'm obviously not the only one.  I dive in headfirst because I am fearless.  It costs me more energy to reign it in than it does to go all out.  I feel deeply and love hard.  And damn me for expecting the same. 

I struggle with believing an all-in style love exists.  But it must, because I'm it.  I'm here and I am the too much-just enough type.  There's got to be someone out there who can rival my force.  Someone worth my time and dedication?  I want enough.  I need enough.  I crave it with a hunger in my gut that radiates throughout my whole body. 

You might try and convince me that I should be that person for myself, and I'll agree.  I love myself with that passion, too.  I'm not needy in that way.  It's because I have such dedication and emotion invested in myself, that I want a love that will compete.  I refuse to give up and I will not settle. 

It will not happen right away.  I understand that and I don't ask that of my future partner.  But when we are there, it will be intense.  There will be lots of attention; your needs will not be neglected.  I give this vibe in all of my relationships when I care for friends and family, too.  I'll make you dinner.  I'll create art for your walls.  I'll answer your texts at 3:00 a.m. because you're awake and need someone to talk with.  I'm the woman who will send you a handwritten letter when you're down.  I'm the mom who stays up all night sewing costumes baking elaborate cakes because my kids deserve something great and I am capable of greatness. 

There's an air of vulnerability in this.  I've been taken advantage of, as most people have in their lives.  It's not a new concept that there are predators in our society.  But I'm stronger for it.  I heal quickly and have a high tolerance for pain. It's a superpower that accompanies feeling things so deeply and intensely.  It's inevitable to gain resilience to withstand the landing when one falls so far and fast. 

Today's subject line quote is from "The Too Much Woman" by Ev'Yan Whitney.

Wouldst thou like to live deliciously?

My sewing machine is a dick.  It's less than a week before Halloween and it's been jamming worse than the reggae they've been blairing at Toyota lately.  It's mostly due to the fabric of Willow's costume, so I'm made the decision to be a shitty mom and revamp the whole concept.  Instead of her being "Boo" in her monster outfit from "Monster's Inc.," I'm just putting her in a pink tee with purple leggings and pigtails, maybe a Mike Wazowski doll if I can get a hold of one in time.  My nanny, Tara, is dressing as Sully so it should be fairly obvious what we're going for.  I hope. 

I do feel really shitty for taking the super lazy route.  I used to be a Pinterest mom, now I'm an Amazon Prime mom...only with no money.  I know I'm not a bad mom, I just feel like less of a mother.  I mean, I did still save Willow from the horrors of hearing the bus outside our house again this morning.  That's something!

Wanna know what else I'm bad at?  Following through with the no dating thing.  It's been less than a week and I have a date on Friday.  Granted, it's a follow up date from back in July.  So maybe it doesn't count against me on the front of not actively trying to date?  Cut me some slack!  You all are entertained, I'm sure.  At least this guy never tried to mansplain how a fork works.  (Yes, that happened and it was the shortest date I've ever been on).  In fact, it was a rather memorable time and I'm looking forward to recreating it.

Today's subject line quote is Black Phillip, "The Witch."

"Son, you got a panty on your head."

I wear many hats--the figurative ones.  My hair is too short for literal hair coverage at this point, though the 20's style cloches are probably my favorite thing to buy and never wear.  Regardless, I'm talking about the multiple aspects of myself that I have to take off and put on at different times, the parts of myself that often clash with whatever else I'm wearing or carrying at the time.

My mom hat had a terrible dream last night that left me in tears when I woke.  I had to check on my babies and when Willow woke up, I held her so tightly.  I think we both needed that extended snuggle.  In my nightmare, she went missing.  Nobody could figure out who had seen her last and part of me is still terrified to leave her side this morning, much less send her to daycare this week.

Whatever hat is responsible for self care keeps flying off and making me chase it down the street. I just peeled off the remainder of my gel nail polish, here at my desk, in some sort of anxious fit of boredom and embarrasment of them chipping.  It is a well known fact that I feel naked without nail polish, so I'm not sure what possessed me to think scratched up, bare nails was a brilliant alternative to a couple flaking. 

I'm pretty sure my work hat is just a propellor beanie.

Halloween's got my crafty hat on standby.  I keep procrastinating and now have both Willow's costume to begin, much less finish, as well as an adult Zapp Brannigan circa Futurama that I promised my friend Dan.  I also need to practice my makeup for my costume and make a kickass pumpkin cake for work.  All exciting endeavors, but slightly stressful trying to get it all finished between work and parenting. 

Lately, I've worn a dunce cap in the fact that I'm probably a phone/social media addict.  I'm an obsessive texter and many of you have fallen victim to my incessant communications.  I just get so bored when I'm wearing my stupid work beanie that I reach out, a lot.  A LOT.  So if I've been annoying the shit out of you lately, #sorrynotsorry. 

Finally, my whole point of hat talk is that I think I'm going to hang up my dating hat for a while.  I start school in 3 weeks, so that will help fill whatever void I'm feeling between not dating and retiring from derby.  In the mean time, I'm going to be dating myself.  Focusing on treating myself well and building that relationship.  My most recent blog topic left me pretty raw, as well.  So it might be good to take some time to reflect on those experiences.  I deserve some devoted attention and I'm going to be the one to give it to me.  So wish me luck that this one works out because the breakup will be a bitch.

Today's subject line quote is from "Raising Arizona."