Saturday, May 16, 2009

The best way to take our minds off the smell of burning flesh is to begin tonight's karaoke contest.

When I did that whole bit about writing every day, I wasn't sure if I meant weekends too. I guess so since I'm typing this out on a Saturday. It is Saturday, right?

If it is, then that means I get to go to the wine bar again with the moms from Meetup! I'm psyched up for chugging back a glass of champagne, or seven. I've even been practicing karaoke just in case someone drunkenly announces that we just have to do it.

Unfortunately, there isn't much that practice can do for me. I suck. Hard. I'm in the caliber of suck as one of those Oreck vacuum cleaners that can pick up bowling balls. It sounds like cats in a microwave or something. But if I had to because my singing to a midi file would save the word from an alien are my star songs:

"Ice Ice Baby" Vanilla Ice
"It's Oh So Quiet" Bjork
"Silent All These Years" Tori Amos
"Adia" Sarah McLachlan

Maybe one day I'll bless you with a video. But I doubt it.

Today's subject line quote is Emcee, "Duckman: Private Dick/Family Man" (1994).

Friday, May 15, 2009

I'm homesick for Oreos and Yoda.

We live here now--in Slidouche. It's slightly more official because I can go to the grocery store and run into natives that know my name. That means we're settled, no going back!

I don't remember that feeling abruptly punching me in the gut when we had moved to South Carolina. It, more or less, snuck up behind me to knock me out with the barrel of a shotgun. And suddenly, I liked it there in that redneck melting pot.

Sure, the fear of being rear-ended for stopping at a red light was hampering. And occasionally I missed customer service representatives talking to me instead of grunting. But I had those great, once-in-a-lifetime friends that mesh into your family. And Jenn was only a few hours away to visit on holidays!

It was also pretty. Downtown wasn't any farther away than New Orleans is from my house now, but I had a reason to visit downtown Charleston daily! It was smaller, and quainter, and I got to know it rather well.

Now I've got slidouchebags trying to shove the Fleur de Lis so far down my throat that I vomit LSU purple and yellow! I suppose I should quit resisting and just accept it. I'm sure in a few years I'll be whining about leaving Lousiana from our next station.

Today's subject line quote is Dorothy, "Roundhouse" (1992).

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Nobody loves me. Everybody hates me. I'm gonna eat some worms.

Do you guys remember that book How to Eat Fried Worms? It was all about a kid who made a bet with a bully that he could and would eat a worm a day for like a year, or some extended period of time. This blog is my worm.

I've decided that Writing is bullying me too far. And just to spite Writing and parry his attempts to give me Indian rug burns or rub metaphorical dirt in my face, I'm going to write SOMETHING here every day.

It may not be mind-blowing. Probably won't even be coherent! But I will defeat that tyrant...

even if I have to eat my own words?

Today's subject line quote is Brian Robeson, A Cry in the Wild (1990).

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Um, ok. The fifth dentist caved and now they're all recommending Trident?

Ever tried putting on lipstick while half your face is numb? You should. It's fun as shit. If you haven't guessed, I got the last half of my fillings done this morning. My lower lip is just a blob of skin to me right now. If I open my mouth at all, I have to be careful that it doesn't get stuck between my teeth. Gross, really.

Speaking is..interesting. It's giving me flashbacks to when I had my braces put in and had a palate expander that kept me from being able to pronounce words with vowels in them. Had to stop at Wal-Mart for an air filter and I thought people were going to start signing to me because, yes, I sound like I've been deaf since birth.

Right now I'm attempting to drink through a straw while praying that I don't aspirate diet Dr. Pepper and die a humiliating death before my 25th birthday. So far? So good. Now I'm going to blow raspberries and finish the laundry.

Today's subject line quote is Chandler Bing, "Friends" (1994) {The One with All the Poker (#1.18)}.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Revenge is a dish best served with pinto beans and muffins.

Dom and I got our buddy, Larry, to come sit on the baby last weekend so we could go to the movies and feel like real adults for a while. We went to go see the new Star Trek and then retreated to a wine bar. And we picked the wine bar just so that we've been to a bar together on a date without losing all that prestige and pompousness we've acquired all these years by using words like "pompousness" and "lacrimose."

That's beside the point, which is this: Star Trek was AWESOME. Maybe it was just seeing a summer blockbuster in an actual theater, or eating fistfuls of popcorn somewhere other than my couch, or maybe even just seeing Sylar with groomed eyebrows...but it was awesome.

Of course you have to go into it knowing that it's an epic space opera and is more of a headbang to the old 1960's series than a nod. Also, you can't say the words "space opera" and not expect me to start quoting lines from The Wrath of Khan in vibrato. I have done it, publicly.

Today's subject line quote is Armando Guittierrez, "Freakazoid!" (1995) {The Chip: part 2/Freakazoid Is History (#1.7)}.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Okay, I'll be the hungry lioness and you can be the baby gazelle!

Writing is still mad at me, ran off to Cancun with My Patience, and left me here alone with Crankiness. So I thought I'd just share a picture to let you all know that I'm alive...and have pretty hair.

Been doing a wild 'n curly thing with it, hoping it will make me look hot and not tamable--like a lion, even though girl lions look bald and it makes no sense for me to want hair like that. It also makes me less of a slave to my hairdryer, and therefor, my electric bill.

Today's subject line quote is Maggie O'Donnell, 17 Again (2009).


Follow me. I might lead you somewhere you haven't been.