Is it raining? Is it snowing? Is a hurricane a-blowing?

The universe, even it it's infinite vastness and equal measure of mystery, has offered me a clue to cracking it's existence. It's a bit of a Robert Langdon to the Da Vinci Code, if you will. So I will offer all of you my tidbit of wisdom, and it is this: my husband leaves on a trip and everything goes to shit.

Yes. Critters and toxic mold invade by the plague-ful, pets die, electricity evades, and my 2 year-old suddenly likes to expose my chest to the Dollar Tree cashier. And as if that isn't enough to make you want to strike a deal with Satan himself to never have to utter the words "Are you fucking kidding me??" again...

There is a hurricane headed straight for my front porch.

Today's subject line quote is Willy Wonka, Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971).

This place is as empty as a graveyard on Halloween.

Wow, it's October 30th already! And guess what...I finished our costumes last week. Hells yeah, I did. Just in time to go to a "costume" party, realize nobody was dressed up, and go home to change.

Fail.

Yeah, it was a coworker's pumpkin carving party and the flyer said "Come in costume or come as you are." It also said that the party started at 3:30. We took it to heart and arrived on time, as Sookie Stackhouse, Dracula, and a bat.

That sounds like the beginning of a bad joke...Sookie, Dracula and a bat walk into a bar... But instead of a bar, it was party and instead of those characters it was us in dressed up at a non-costume-costume party. Everyone else we knew wasn't planning on A.) coming dressed up or B.) coming for another 2 hours.

So we had the options of sitting in the car at the end of the driveway until our friends showed up or getting out and mingling with these people (who probably assumed we were going as retards for halloween). We chose to peel out and go home. We came back an hour and a half later and in normal clothes. I saw a total of 5 costumes out of the 50 or so adults that came to the party.

Let me just say, that this was all after I freaked out about sewing Dom's cape in time to go to this party...to the point that he got me flowers and chocolates before I started sewing people to furniture.

But a Happy Halloween weekend to all! And just so you know, my office smells like rotten milk-feet-dog and I don't know why. So you all are very, very lucky that I made a post.

Today's subject line quote is Inspector Gadget, "Inspector Gadget" (1983) {The Capeman Cometh (#2.4)}.

That ho could suck the sheet off a ghost.

Michael and I have been quarantined since returning from our California trip. Not because we have the piggy flu, just mostly that we're both too cranky to be seen by people and our snotty attitude is as contagious as our faces. We just have sinus infections. Michael is a bajillion times better since getting his antibiotic; I'm a weenie who hates going to the doctor so I'm feeling slightly worse today.

Yesterday, however, was a miraculously productive day. Even in spite of my horrific nasal passages and their resident city of bacteria. Just in the last 12 hours it's gone from Mayberry in there to Metropolis. They may have even been setting off fireworks last night to celebrate the latest expansion and that's why I couldn't stop sneezing.

But back to me not being a completely worthless lump of snot-filled Cassidy. Yesterday I finished Michael's Halloween costume, sewed a piece for mine, cleaned the front of the house, folded 2 towels, gave Michael a bath, and worked on the hat I promised I'd knit for Donna (that I've been slowly working on for nearly a year). Pretty good for someone who thinks she might die today.

Seriously. And if you don't come to my funeral, I'm going to haunt you and blow ethereal boogers all over your pillow. Know what happens when you catch a ghost cold? You have it forever because ghost bacteria and viruses don't die. But when you go to the doctor, she won't see it because it's a freaking ghost! You'll be institutionalized until you die from the madness and continue haunting the people who didn't believe you or go to YOUR funeral until the entire population is nothing but sniffly spooks.

Don't be the sole cause of the world's obliteration. Make me soup or something.

Today's subject line quote is John Aboud, "Best Week Ever." (2004).

Don't say "uh oh". Vampires are not supposed to say "uh oh".

So a barista, a vampire, and my husband walk into a bar...wait, no I've screwed it up. But the punchline is the hottest joke ever?

This post needs some back story. Let's hip-smack, rewind it back, shall we? I could cleverly tell you the details of my conversations via facebook yesterday where this whole ordeal started, or I could just be clever and cut/paste them. So I give you status update and subsequent conversations, exhibit A:

Cassidy Pond-DiMaggio is re-reading the sookie books...but only the parts with Eric in them. Pathetic.

Jackie Marenick

Hahahaha! So you're an Eric lover?

Yesterday at 2:07pm · Delete

Jules Munger Bochenek

Eric and Cassidy sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Yesterday at 2:26pm · Delete

Cassidy Pond-DiMaggio

I am! Bill can suck it...well not literally, he'd rather enjoy that being a bloodsucker and all...but seriously, Eric's the way to go.
And you guys are going to get me in trouble. :( But all's fair; Dom's gone until 9 tonight so I'm allowed a book romance right?

Yesterday at 2:34pm · Delete

Jackie Marenick

Oh yes, I believe book romances are acceptable! (At least in my opinion :-P )

Yesterday at 2:38pm · Delete

Cassidy Pond-DiMaggio

I think that makes it law then. I'm safe!

Yesterday at 4:12pm · Delete

Dominic DiMaggio

Ahem....I'm here now...you can stop fantasizing about Eric...the FICTIONAL vampire!

And before you lump me into the pile of every other person with a vagina in the corner humping pictures of this guy,


let me explain that he is still this guy,



And I'm more or less hot for the blond, asshole viking for the sake of "Book Sookie"

and not this bitch

because Vampire Bill is a southern dick

and this guy is a terrible actor.

Now that's been cleared, I give you status update and subsequent conversations, exhibit B:

Cassidy Pond-DiMaggio doesn't feel good.

Christine Thurmond Serigne

I'm sorry! :( Everyone in Slidell is getting sick. It's nuts! I hope you feel better!

Yesterday at 8:22am · Delete

Cassidy Pond-DiMaggio

Jules and I were wondering if the Barista at Starbuck's was spitting in our coffee or something...

Yesterday at 8:25am · Delete

[edit of banter not relevant]

Crystal Belozerows Rico

Damn yall started stuff with the starbucks guy now! By the time you guys leave Louisiana, yall will be banned from everywhere! LOL! Hope you feel better Cassidy!

Yesterday at 10:44am · Delete

Christine Thurmond Serigne

lol Crystal!

Yesterday at 11:07am · Delete

Cassidy Pond-DiMaggio

Actually, the guy that rang me up at the register was kind of flirty. :)

Yesterday at 11:50am · Delete

Crystal Belozerows Rico

Oh! a Barista boyfriend, just what you need! Free coffee! LOL

Yesterday at 12:08pm · Delete

Cassidy Pond-DiMaggio

OMG, I didn't even think of the "perks." Like my pun? I should go back and hit on him...free coffees for all my friends!!

Yesterday at 12:10pm · Delete

Crystal Belozerows Rico

I know huh! Wouldn't that b nice!?!

Yesterday at 12:18pm · Delete

Dominic DiMaggio

sigh...Eric the Vampire, Skippy the Barrister.....should I go crawl into a hole now?

6 hours ago · Delete

Now my sweet and lovely husband made me coffee before leaving for work. Aaaand exhibit C:

Pretend that he wrote "barista" instead of "barrister."

Now if you're thoroughly confused, just google "Trueblood" and watch some YouTube videos for the next few hours.

Today's subject line quote is (surprise!) Sookie Stackhouse, "True Blood" (2008) {Escape from the Dragon House (#1.4)}.

Nobody leaves this place without singing the blues.

Dom and I have done a series of dates lately of which a babysitter was used. No big deal, but it does get tiresome to constantly explain where your child is.

Say, at the wedding we went to about 2 weeks ago? We knew a lot of people in attendance, and every moment we saw someone for the first time that night they'd ask "Where's Michael?" or "Aren't you missing something?"

Well, dumbass, since common sense seems to pass you by...I've actually come up with a Top 10 list of favorite answers I like to give people at such an occasion.

10. In the car. I cracked the window.
9. We sold him to the circus as a knife thrower.
8. He's in the bathtub, playing "easy-bake oven."
7. I knew I forgot something!
6. At work, where else?
5. Who's Michael? [walk off]
4. He's been adopted by a couple in China.
3. Prison. We don't like to speak of him any more.
2. Hm. Where did I leave him last?
1. [at Dom] I thought he was with you! [run off panicked]

All you parents out there are welcome to use any of them. I like sharing in my awkwardness.

Today's subject line quote is (from one of the best movies of my childhood) Albert Collins, "Adventures in Babysitting" (1987).

Ahhh! BINGO! What fun! But, I digress. Where were we?

My Labor Day weekend was, for the most part, uneventful and that's the way I like it. My father-in-law came to visit for slightly over 24 hours (Sat-Sun), Dom and I saw a movie, and just had a game night with a couple we know from Dom's office. The End. Oh, and Dom got me these in pink:



They're mop-slippers. I can clean with ease AND style!

Today's subject line quote is Col. Hans Landa, "Inglourious Basterds" (2009). (Great movie btw, it's what we went to see on Saturday. Entertaining from the start.)

I love this cornbread so much, I want to take it behind a middle school, and get it pregnant.

You know what I didn't wake up thinking two days ago? Hey, it'd be awesome if everyone's facebook exploded with uterine exegesis?! Yeah, that happened. And it ruined my routine of ass-sitting and Mommy chit-chat all day long.

Do I have to say it? I don't give a flying hunk of marmoset poo that Michelle Duggar is pregnant for the 19th time, and I'm certainly not shocked or surprised. The woman's uterus is a professional fetal support system--why shut down the factory after 20 years of hard labor? bah-dah-ching! High five? Anyone? Bueller?

But seriously, stop. Facebook has been overrun with commentary about a stranger's cooter for the last few days and I need it to end. Maybe it's just me, but unless I'm somehow related to the subject vagina, I don't want to know about what's in it. I also don't want to see pictures of the little alien-shaped embryo. Unless it has a percent chance of coming out looking like me. *muah-kiss-kiss* Close friends count as relatives, so no worries. I want to see your hoo-ha!

So here's to not over-sharing the deets of our reproductive organs to unfamilar faces! In the words of Juno, "I'm guessing it looks probably like a sea monkey right now and we should let it get a little cuter." K, thanks.

Today's subject line quote is Tracy Morgan, "30 Rock" (2006) {Hardball (#1.15)}.