This one might make you uncomfortable, but I share these experiences for you. We've all heard that representation matters, and its true. Reading and viewing other people's perspectives and experiences helped me realize who I am (time and time again.)
I'm autistic.
And most of might read that and think, Are you sure? You don't seem autistic to me. Yes. I'm sure. My therapist is sure. My kids and fiance are sure. And as a response to not seeming autistic, you're correct. I am extremely talented in suppressing my traits. I assure you, I am riddled with the tism.
Growing up, I think a word I heard most was "weird." In fifth grade, I tried to embrace it and be overly silly and fun with it so the teasing would let up. My mom would see me stimming and tell me to "quit being weird." Friendships have been intense and short-lived and relationships have been toxic due to my mannerisms in private. My latest ex treated me like a child for having support needs. But as I'm discovering, autistic people are inexperienced in a lot of areas. My anxiety over all the scenarios I would imagine when facing most experiences would keep me from going forward. I had the opportunity to move to Japan when I was a military spouse, but any time I considered the differences I would face there, I would panic. My body would shake with the loose energy and I'd feel like I was about to be buried alive.
As a kid, my family likened my meltdowns and panic attacks to a helicopter taking off. A gradual increase in whining noises that got louder and more intense until it sounded like I could lift off the ground at any moment. I learned to hold my breath and stay silently still as I got older. I was 35 before I started anxiety medication and I think a lot of that delay was from downplaying my symptoms.
I've lied to almost every therapist I've had over the last 20 years. People pleasing was integrated into my personality that when asked how long I had dealt with depression, I would retract my answer of "always" when the pen started scribbling furiously and a look of concern emerged. I've lied to myself, too. Even when I'm alone I think about how I'm supposed to present myself and analyze my behavior from a neurotypical perspective. Is this music other people would like? Nobody wears that. Is my house clean enough? Over the years those thoughts evolved into wondering if I like things or if I only liked them because others did. I can't remember a time when I felt like I actually knew myself before now and its been an obsession for years. I've wondered about past lives and daydreamed about being an alien or fae creature and not knowing where I really came from because I've never felt at home here.
And why should I? This country is not designed for autistics. I've never been able to hold a full time job because it's overwhelming and exhausting. Even sitting in the silence of my home right now, I can hear the conflicting pitches of electronics and the juxtaposition of the monitor against the soft lighting makes me uneasy. Forks are too thick. No one follows the rules of engagement at the grocery store. Pants are too constricting and the feeling of a sock seam under my toes makes me want to cry. I hate showering regularly because the infinite choices and steps following paralyze me. Do I wash my hair? If I do, then I'll need to dry it. If I dry it do I have time to style it? I'll have more laundry to do if I use another towel. On and on and on the "If you give a mouse a cookie" mentality rages until I'm profoundly sad and disappointed in myself.
I'll be 40 in 6 months. I've spent 4 decades of my precious existence as a mimick and a chameleon trying to blend in. I'm giving myself permission to be autistic. I will not laugh when I don't understand your joke and I'll ask if you're being serious. I will rock on my heels and play with my fingertips when I'm happy. I will wear comfortable clothes that make me smile when I see them. I will not hold my breath when I feel the urge to echo the sounds and phrases I hear. I will not be afraid to ask for help or accommodations and I will not hold myself to the standards of others. I give myself permission to be proudly autistic and I give you permission to be comfortable in who you are, too.
Today's subject line quote is from Sheldon Cooper in The Big Bang Theory, s3, ep13 "The Bozeman Reaction."
Posts
