Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

As much as I have to say about the Dimaggio family's Christmas debacle, my New Year's Eve with Kelly, and whatever other crap I need to update you all on (and believe me, there's an assload and a half to talk about), I first have to complain about my property in South Carolina again. More specifically, I need to complain about my former neighbor and the lack of what's wrong with my property.

Remember the crazy, sexist neighbor that wanted to wear Dom's uniform and always asked why I was out of the house or doing yardwork? Now remember the flooded front yard that had to be dug up for the burst pipe that was going to cost oodles of money? Now ask yourself, How could those things be related?...or even...How can Cassidy get any more pissed off about this whole situation? The answer is: he drained his Blogdamn pool into my yard and didn't tell the plumber until after he watched them dig up the whole yard. They're sending crazy neighbor the bill.

Alright, there really is a lot to fill you lovely readers in on--so let me just speed update you. I'll just skip all the nonessential, still funny details.

Christmas with the DiMaggio's went as follows:

--J.P. and Nattie were nice as usual and we met my father-in-law's girlfriend (who smells like old lady perfume)
--Retreated to Memphis to play Hero Quest with Liz, Michael busted his lip on her coffee table, I get into a dogfight trying to help separate her dog and her foster dog, my pinky skin gets grazed and Liz's hand looks like she has a skin-eating rash, we declare her home "Liz's House of Pain."
--Retreated to Tupelo to spend some time with Rosie and Bil, have Xmas via webcam with J.P., Nattie, John, and his girlfriend, my father-in-law drinks half a bottle of champagne and tells the dinner table he's too sexy for his pants, I drink the other half and tell the family that I'm too drunk for answering questions.

New Year's Eve, anyone? Again, I drank too much champagne and ended up drunk dialing Geraldine from Kelly's phone. Now that the holiday's are over, I'll seem much less alcoholic. Promise.

And now for the sum up of the 5 whole days of 2009!

Marshall got back in contact with me. Got a myspace message and a text asking how I'm doing. Then I got a facebook message from my ex-boyfriend, Jim, telling me he's still not over me and my awesomeness. Basically, 2002 got jealous and wanted to celebrate as well.

Okay, you're updated. Now I can update how and when I feel like it without any obligations. And yeah, I'm gonna elaborate on that last bit eventually. I mean, if you want. Do you want?

Monday, December 29, 2008

Flick says he saw some grizzly bears near Pulaski's candy store!

Now that I have returned from my travels, I present to you: Xmas Vol. 1, Pond Family does Karaoke.

Well thank the baby Jesus himself--Christmas is finally over! I am no longer subjected to the world's most hideous decorations or the piped in caroling sung by washed up musicians. That, my friends, truly is the best gift. But here's what I made off with from my 70 billion gift exchanges. It's what I get for marrying into a Catholic Italian gatherings will always be loud and we'll have umpteen presents buy. But seriously, here's what I got...

Herpes. Just kidding. Or am I? Nah, that's a pretty nasty surprise in general, much less to get from your in-laws.

My family decided to draw names out of a hat this year so we only had to be responsible for a whopping total of 3 presents this year. I pulled Brian's name, Dom got Mom, and Michael got Abbie. Easy peasy. I picked up my brother-in-law a gift set of Crown Royal, my mom got Beauty and the Beast Season 2 (the t.v. show with the bestiality, not the Disney animated movie), and Abs got a kickass dress up set. On the flip side, Dom got a Civil War computer game from Dad, Michael got an Aqua Doodle from Abbie, and I got the most fabulous present in the history of Christmas. For reals, it beats the crap out of frankincise and myrrh.

I got a portable, stand up hairdryer like you use in a salon. Now, before you lose control of your bowels laughing and shit out your spleen or something--hear me out...or read me out...or what the fuck ever. It's freaking awesome! I can do my makeup AND dry my hair sans hands. Here's a list of things I can now do while drying my hair that you probably can't: blog, drink coffee, watch t.v. with no audial comprehension, act out scenes from Steel Magnolias, look like a tard...the list goes on. Plus, if I use the big curlers my hair comes out looking full and fluffy. Not Mississippi beauty queen full, but good and voluminous.

My family was also full of the Christmas spirit during the visit. And by spirit I really mean "merlot." By the end of the night we were all belting out karaoke masterpieces! My dad sang "Joy to the World," (Jeremiah was a bullfrog...). You may not understand the significance of this event.

My dad is the Silent Bob of my Jay and Silent Bob parents. Well, they don't toke up and go on adventures with angels and the like, but my dad is pretty quiet. As Dom said, "When he does finally speak, It's either the funniest thing you've heard or the most profound." So to have him hop up out of the papasan to bless us all with such a treat, was phenomenal.

I happened to wow the room with my rendition of "Ice, Ice, Baby." Mom thought my new M.C. name should be "Rapsiddy."

Did I ever blog about Journey Christmas? The year before I got married, my sisters and I decided to celebrate the holidays together in Little Rock at Cecillea's house to avoid any confrontation with my parents. We were, after all, not best buds at the time. I gave Natalie "Journey's Greatest Hits," we got drunk and all danced to "Don't Stop Believin.'" Best. Christmas. Ever. I even have an I tried to cook a pizza while intoxicated scar to prove it.

Until this one! We all voted and Drunk Karaoke Christmas kicks Journey Christmas's comparatively sober ass.

End of Xmas Vol. 1. Up next? Xmas Vol. 2, DiMaggio's are too sexy for their pants.


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