Silencing women silences justice

Can we take a minute to talk about the whole #MeToo movement?  Because I want to talk about it, but I can't.  Trauma isn't something you announce to the world.  It makes everyone squirm because it's uncomfortable to think about.  It often makes people defensive because nobody wants to think about themselves being assaulty, but it's easier than you think. Survivors have different reactions and mixed emotions to revisiting the idea of harassment and assault, so navigating it publicly is difficult.  But I feel, just like with mental health advocacy, that the taboo surrounding sexual assault needs to be addressed. 

For me, there is a lot of guilt.  I feel like there is more I could have done to prevent it.  My body betrays my mental state.  It doesn't seem to matter that I've made my intentions clear, because he will take it as an invitation to continue.  "I'm not in the mood/interested/etc." becomes a battle cry to get me to change my mind.  I've been told, "I can't help it, I'm just so attracted to you" by multiple men.  I've been told to be careful with my words because it's a "serious allegation against a man" and that I should be really sure I'm not the one to blame. 

Am I sure?  No.  I never will be.  I'm sure there is more I could do.  Should I never drink alcohol with a date?  Maybe.  Dress more conservatively?  Sure.  Stop hanging out with male friends alone?  Perhaps.  Am I too polite?  Certainly.  And my fight or flight response is actually to freeze.  So often when I'm scared, I get a deer-in-headlights approach to the situation. 

The fact of the matter is, telling the person I'm spending time with (whether on a date or just as friends because it's happened regardless) that I don't want to engage in sexual activity, for whatever reason, should hold merit.  I should not have to justify myself.  I do not believe that I need to continue to hold onto my convictions throughout the night.  It should not be a challenge to get me to let go of whatever reasoning I have.

I should not be nervous to spend time with my male friends and worry about my ability to maintain these relationships, but I am.  There's a broken sense of trust when you don't feel heard.  There's an imbalance of power that makes it hard to accept that I'm an person with an equal voice. 

This has been the most challenging blog I've ever written because I both want to be personal about my experiences and yet not out my aggressors.  Partly because the relationships are complicated, partly because I don't want the backlash of blame. Maybe it wasn't how I recall it?  Maybe it's not as big of a deal as I'm making it out to be?

But the biggest take away from this, is that it is more common than one might think.  I'm constantly dealing with unwanted attention in what should be professional settings.  There have been moments that I'm taken less seriously because of my gender.  And most importantly and even recently, I've been exposed to unwanted sexual advances that have left me uncertain of my own mental state and feeling less than dignified.  And it's occurred multiple times.  That's enough to make me concerned it is more me than them.  And that's terrifying.

Today's subject line quote is from DaShanne Stokes.