So, hey again. Remember how I said I would blog about my vacation? Well, this isn't it. Sorry. I just had a massively weird day filled with umpteen mishaps that I felt like sharing with the world. Really, how do this many things happen to one person in one freakin' day? Perhaps some of you have a theory as to why I'm such a magnet for freak accidents and behaviors...
Today started out busy. We were all slow-moving this morning, due to a whole 'nother series of catastrophes the night before: Dom went to poker night, I was coming down with a cold, both kids ended up staying up late, Michael threw a fit about sleeping in his room, and we all ended up going to sleep between 10-11. Regardless, we were supposed to be down the road by 9 this morning for a neighborhood "60 day weight loss challenge."
They promised to take my picture, weigh me, calculate my BMI, body fat percentage, and take measurements. Nowhere did it say ANYTHING about doing jumping jacks and situps until my stomach tried to escape out my ass and throat simultaneously. And yet, I started off my day with no breakfast and a trip back to junior high P.E. class. As if not being able to do 2 full situps in a row wasn't embarrassing enough (in the middle of a crowded room, by the way), once I finished the fitness test...I blacked out.
I was getting my measurements done when the nausea hit, and suddenly the scarecrow-esque, waif of a woman taking my measurements was laying me down on the floor and holding my feet in the air and about 10 other trainers were shoving almonds in my face.
But the good news is that my body fat percentage and BMI are actually in the healthy range for my age now--despite the fact that I gained about 15 lbs. since the summer. Apparently I live in a universe where gaining weight makes you not fat any more! That's because I'm old now. Yay for moving up a bracket on demographics! I've spent the last decade in the overweight to obese categories, so tonight I decided to celebrate by ordering a pizza and making cookies.
Oh, and just in case you were wondering...cookies taste like ass when you leave out vanilla and salt. I made a batch, baked about 8, and tried to fix the remaining batter by adding the missing ingredients AND MY HAND. Also, just in case you are ever curious, getting your hand caught between the prongs of an electric mixer won't break it. But it definitely hurts. Also, staring at the machine in disbelief will not magically imbue you with the Jedi mind powers to turn it off. That's what the switch is for.
So, seriously guys...Am I stupid now? Because this all sounds like stuff that happens to idiots. Also, my neighbors dog ran smack into Michael's knee today and bashed in it's front teeth. I can't even begin to make this shit up.
Today's subject line quote is
The Big Bang Theory
(2007 TV Series)
Episode: The Peanut Reaction (2008).
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It is reassuring to know that the beater won't actually take your hand off. I never thought about until I had kids "helping" me make cookies and I was very paranoid that they might try to stick their fingers in the batter. Mind you, I still don't want them to do it, but I can stop imagining the gory scene if they do so, and can instead focus on being ready to hit the switch at a moment's notice. Thanks for doing this experiment so I don't have to ;)
ReplyDeleteAll mixers are different! When I relayed this story to a friend last night, she told me about her mom doing the same thing and getting her fingers mangled.
DeleteIf anything, I just wish to relay this tidbit: Don't use a spoon near the beaters. I was trying to de-clump the batter and it sucked the spoon and my hand right in.
Be thankfull you're alive and kickin, missy, not in the morgue. Take a lookit this and think deep thots, gorgeous. This’ll help immensely on your journey Upstairs: Q: Why should you love our exploded plethora of produce which’ll plant the seeds for YOU to grow to great heights?? PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK:
ReplyDeleteA: Greetings, earthling. Not sure if we're on the same page if you saw what I saw. Because I was an actual NDE on the outskirts of the Great Beyond at 15 yet wasn’t allowed in, lemme share with you what I actually know Seventh-Heaven’s Big-Bang’s gonna be like for us if ya believe/accept: meet this ultra-bombastic, ex-mortal-Upstairs for the most blatantly deluxe, incredibly incomprehensible, catch-22-excitotoxins, myriads of cogently-ironic-metaphors, sheer guhroovaliciousnessly-delicious-endorphin-rush, pleasure-beyond-measure, Ultra-Firepower-Idyllic-Addiction in the Great Beyond for a BIG-ol, kick-ass, party-hardy, robust-N-risqué, eternal-real-McCoy-warp-drive you DO NOT wanna miss the sink-your-teeth-in-the-rrrock’nNsmmmokin’-hot-deal: PLEASE KEEP HANDS/FEET INSIDE THE RIDE UNTIL WE MADE A CIRCUMFERENCE OF the OUTSTANDING, NEVER-ENDING, THRILLIONTH-RED-MARKER-POSSIBILITIES …with eXtra eXciting eXtroverts doing the most vivid, brazen congrewnts: flawless as pearls from the Toyster Upstairs!!! Gain altitude, not attitude, and take front-row-seats, miss gorgeous, as the inexhaustible, irresistible intimacy shall blow-your-fragile-mind to peaces. Meet me Upstairs. Do that for us. Cya soon, girl…
PS “It is impossible that anyone should NOT receive all that they have believed and hoped to obtain; it gives Me great pleasure when they hope great things from Me and I will always give them more than they expect”
-Our Lord to Saint Gertrude
Be thankfull you're alive and kickin, missy, not in the morgue. Take a lookit this and think deep thots, gorgeous. This’ll help immensely on your journey Upstairs: Q: Why should you love our exploded plethora of produce which’ll plant the seeds for YOU to grow to great heights?? PROCEED AT YOUR OWN RISK:
ReplyDeleteA: Greetings, earthling. Not sure if we're on the same page if you saw what I saw. Because I was an actual NDE on the outskirts of the Great Beyond at 15 yet wasn’t allowed in, lemme share with you what I actually know Seventh-Heaven’s Big-Bang’s gonna be like for us if ya believe/accept: meet this ultra-bombastic, ex-mortal-Upstairs for the most blatantly deluxe, incredibly incomprehensible, catch-22-excitotoxins, myriads of cogently-ironic-metaphors, sheer guhroovaliciousnessly-delicious-endorphin-rush, pleasure-beyond-measure, Ultra-Firepower-Idyllic-Addiction in the Great Beyond for a BIG-ol, kick-ass, party-hardy, robust-N-risqué, eternal-real-McCoy-warp-drive you DO NOT wanna miss the sink-your-teeth-in-the-rrrock’nNsmmmokin’-hot-deal: PLEASE KEEP HANDS/FEET INSIDE THE RIDE UNTIL WE MADE A CIRCUMFERENCE OF the OUTSTANDING, NEVER-ENDING, THRILLIONTH-RED-MARKER-POSSIBILITIES …with eXtra eXciting eXtroverts doing the most vivid, brazen congrewnts: flawless as pearls from the Toyster Upstairs!!! Gain altitude, not attitude, and take front-row-seats, miss gorgeous, as the inexhaustible, irresistible intimacy shall blow-your-fragile-mind to peaces. Meet me Upstairs. Do that for us. Cya soon, girl…
PS “It is impossible that anyone should NOT receive all that they have believed and hoped to obtain; it gives Me great pleasure when they hope great things from Me and I will always give them more than they expect”
-Our Lord to Saint Gertrude