Wednesday, March 25, 2009

See, this is another sign of your tragic space dementia, all paranoid and crotchety. Breaks the heart.

A plea to my laundry:

Um, laundry? Why do you have to be such a punkass bitch? I've got an inspection of this renthouse on Saturday and you're just lying there on my couch like a lazy pile of clothes. Go fold yourself! Make yourself useful. Get a job so I can hire a maid, watch my kid while I take a shower, or just make me some more coffee so I can clean this place up on my own!

Every day I have to see you crumpled up in a heap, mocking me with your lifelessness until one of the umpteen toddler shirts rolls onto the floor and I'm forced to pick THAT up too. You disgust me. I'm going to set you on fire and buy new clothes.

A plea to my hair:

Please stop doing that wavey, kinky, swirl thing. It's not cute. Now I have to spend the time I need to fold the good-for-nothing laundry drying and styling you because I'm a superficial and petty diva who wants to be judged by her social ineptitude rather than bad hair.

A plea to my stomach:

Quit whining. There's an enchilada in the fridge.

A plea to the enchilada in the fridge:

Please don't make me fat. If I have to eat any more grilled sandwiches with fat free cheese and light bread that falls apart when you butter it with SmartBalance Lite margarine, I'm gonna set the laundry on fire.

Today's subject line quote is Mal, "Firefly" (2002) {The Train Job (#1.1)}.


  1. Hear hear!!! My damn laundry has been sitting on the landing of my horrible stairs, which despite countless pleas, refuse to turn into a flat hallway.

  2. This is the funniest crap ever! Thanks for making me laugh (even if I am a day late in reading it).

    I think I'm going to start making that plea to all the food I eat. if I ask the hamburgers not to make me fat, they won't. Like the fat-free breadsticks at Fazoli's. I'm sure Dom's told you about how many people we had convinced they were in fact, fat-free. I tried it recently at Tellini's (like a Fazoli's) and got a few folks at work to buy it! I rock!

  3. There is....a Orlando....they caaaalll Fazooollieees. And they serve....fat Orlandoooo



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