Friday, December 16, 2011

An Open Letter to 2012

Dear 2012,

     This past year has really flown by!  2011 brought me a lot of great things, like my daughter, that bitchin' deal on a front loading washer/dryer combo, and my addiction to sweet potato fries.  I even drummed up the courage to start a small business that no one is interested in! 
     It's been so incredibly unbelievable this year.  So, 2012, with your impending arrival so near us, I thought I would take a chance and ask a small favor of your coming months--Could you, perhaps, spare me some drama?

     I understand it's a big moment for you, 2012.  The populous is speculating that the Mayan's were onto something when they only projected THOUSANDS of years into the future and then suddenly stopped when their hands started cramping.  I really don't want to step on your chance to shine as our last 12 months of existence, but, if the apocalypse does come...I don't want to spend the end of time being sucked into this vortex of egocentricity I usually find myself in every few months. 
     All I ask, 2012, is that people keep things in perspective this year.  I don't want to hear about how the meteor that destroyed most civilization threw off someone's groove and now it's somehow my job to get them back to a strict yoga routine.  Also, no, nobody should take it personally that the zombies are always trying to eat THEM.  They crave brains, so perhaps the less developed ones are more tasty, but it's really not worth pitching a fit over.  Let's just all grab shotguns and shoot them in the balls for fun.

     With that all said, 2012, it would be great if the world didn't end.  However, I understand your dilemma. So when it all comes down to things, I think I'll just find a nice, dead guy's house to squat in and ride it out.  If I can just ignore all of humanity, that would be fantastic.  And, even if the end of the Pre-Columbian Mesoamerican long calendar turns out to be nothing more than a case of Carpal Tunnel, could I still just ignore all of humanity until the end of time? 
      I really appreciate this, 2012.  I just need some time to turn my luck around and stop feeling like the whole universe is screaming at me like that drunk homeless woman did when I stepped too close to her shopping cart that one time.  



  1. ahahahaha! you are so funny! it is such a pleasure reading your blog posts! I too often wonder if 2012 is all that its cracked up to be. i guess we will wait and see...

  2. I have always said that maybe the Myans thought if they can't figure this shit out by now I am done.



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