Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Fantastic! Look at you. Powerless. The great space dust bin! How does it feel?

My junior year of high school, my drama class did a section on costuming and makeup. My coach wanted to do a quick demonstration, and I volunteered to get my face drawn on in hopes that I would look like Cleopatra. Turns out that the former Miss Arkansas runner up wasn't very good at doing an elegant, Egyptian look and decided to make me a troll instead.

Drama was my first period class. Now I got to start my day looking hideous and, undoubtedly, like a total sociotard. But did I wash it off? Nope. I hadn't brought any regular makeup with me and I was terrified of being seen bare-faced. I told everyone that it was stage makeup and didn't remove easily without a cleanser--which was mostly true.

But the real truth? I was so afraid of being seen without any makeup, that I was willing to endure any teasing or gawking. If I was going to be ugly, it was on my own terms. I had given myself the illusion that I was in control.

Recently, I can't pinpoint the exact moment I felt like I had lost all control over my life; but I'm pretty sure the minute I decided that I wanted it back was when I was in the bathroom. I was taking care of my business when my son walked in demanding that I change his poopy underwear. At that precise second, Mother Nature decided I need that monthly gift and I was left trying to clean up after both of us.

It's hard being the nurturer of a whole family. There are always moments like that where my needs are an afterthought. With Dom being in the navy, my schedule, career (if I so choose to ever have one), and plans for the future are all subject to the needs of the military. And over the past 2 months, I had even let bacteria take over my lungs and overall health.

My life felt like total chaos and I needed to take control. My readers have been blogless the last week or so because I've been devoted to taking back my power. It's not been easy either. Not like I could break out the metaphorical rape whistle any time I felt like my life was ripping me a new one.

Some measures have been taken and I am feeling less like my world is going to spin off and out of the universe now. I've found my missing doctor's office and am now on the mend from bronchitis and sinusitis. I'm on the road to taking back my body, but getting my mind back in order is considerably more difficult.

I actually cut my own hair (to give myself bangs) in an effort to not feel completely impaired. But even then I ended up with with a nice feathered look occasionally. After many negotiations, we agreed that I would not continuously pin them up if they behaved during the day and could be as unruly as they wanted after 8 p.m. until I showered the next morning.

Since this blog is already three times the size I intended, I won't divulge all the details of getting my shit together. But I will say that I've learned to say "no" more (especially to my toddler), reclaimed my house from the wreckage of last week, and talked a salesman down a little over $1,000 off Dominic's new motorcycle.

Not too shabby for someone for someone who feels like a recluse and extreme introvert 90% of the time.

Today's subject line quote is "Doctor Who" (2005) {"Dalek"}.


  1. Yay! Awesome blog, so happy to see it back!

  2. "someone who feels like a recluse and extreme introvert 90% of the time."

    That is ME!

    And your bangs weren't bad, just different..I didn't even notice that they were cut yesterday!!



Follow me. I might lead you somewhere you haven't been.