Tuesday, February 16, 2010

Limited range forward vision is available should you require it.

When I was a kid, my mom told me that Elton John didn't need glasses at first but still wore them as an accessory to enhance his already outrageous ensembles. Later, I saw an interview where he boasted a walk-in closet full of custom frames for any occasion. So when I found out I needed glasses 3 years ago, I was ecstatic! But when I found out my insurance only paid for lenses and not frames, I wondered if they could put them into a pair made out of duct tape.

This time, I bought some cute frames at Icing for $10 before I even made my appointment. They're black with a pink backing to accent around the sides, which are a diamond shape attaching to the earpieces. I was going in prepared! My hope was that my current prescription wouldn't have changed enough that I could keep my ridiculously expensive, yet fabulous pair of brown frames and just add these to my collection. Perhaps I would match Sir John's stature of eccentricism by the year 3056? (And yeah, I am about 96% sure that I just made that word up.)

But you know how the Chance cards in Monopoly sometimes make you go back 3 spaces? I don't need glasses, not even the ones I already own have been using since my senior year of college. At least not according to Dr. Sassypants, doctor of opthamology and douchebaggery.

After waiting in his office for half an hour after being hit up by the chattiest nurse, who managed to make a 5 part questionnaire last 15 minutes, Dr. Sassypants strides in and asks, "So what are we doing here?" in a Don't you realize it's Friday? tone.

What was I supposed to say, I'm here for a bikini wax? I'm getting my eyes checked, dumbass. It's pretty much your sole job there at the OPTOMETRY clinic. And yet, he still made me feel like an idiot for coming. In fact, when he asked where I was getting my headaches, I replied "at home" instead of indicating where on my head I was getting them.

Two hours after arriving, I'm showing up to my hair appointment 20 minutes late and with dilated pupils that make me look like an anime character because he forgot about me while letting the drops "take effect." By the end of the exam, he was silently scribbling in my chart so I asked, "What now?" Know what he said? "You tell me." I'm sorry, did he mistake me for his ex? Did I give him the cold shoulder one day at Winn-Dixie?

In the end, I get to do things the same way Elton John did. Make my fortune while wearing glasses I don't need, and wearing frames just because they're cool. Or I could sell them on craigslist for a dollar.

Today's subject line quote is Zen, "Blake's 7" (1978) {The Web (#1.5)}.


  1. Dr. Sassypants is the coolest name ever. I bet he gets bored with doing eye exams all day every day, and was hoping maybe you'd suggest something different. Like...maybe he has always wanted to do bikini waxes.

    I wouldn't go to him, though...nothing worse than a bikini wax that takes 4 times as long as it should.

  2. Hahaha, so true! I don't think I could sit through a regular bikini wax, much less one done by an optometrist. I'll let him do my taxes if he wants, though.



Follow me. I might lead you somewhere you haven't been.