You got me. It was totally an accident. You know when offices offer you something to drink to be courteous and show you how much they love your business and your big, fat mouth that will tell all of your friends how much you love their business? I can't even accept a complimentary soda without feeling like a societal wart and thinking how badly I'll ruin their livelihood with all the Diet Cokes they'll have to replace that day. So imagine my horror to find that this was still in my cart when I got to the car...
It had wedged itself between my purse and the diaper bag. But since Michael had already thrown a royal fit from the store, through the parking lot, and not stopped by the time we reached the car there was no way I was out of my mind enough to haul the screaming toddler back in there with for a packet of hot, $5 eyeshadow.
Why not just keep it? All the cool kids are shoplifting these days and I'm sick spending my proverbial lunch period in the band room. Okay got me again--not completely metaphorical. I really did spend my lunch period picking sandwich out of my braces with the other band geeks. Does it illustrate my point any less?
But there is the long list of crazy that's been trapped in my brain since the incident that's made me nearly pack up and drop off the money. Not only that, but I've been worried about telling anyone about it!
What if the C.E.O of said retail store stumbles across my blog and then informs the police? I could be dragged from my home in a puff of smoke bomb gas by a S.W.A.T team that breaks down my door! Then I have to pay for a new door!! And then they downsize even more to cover costs of the assumed MILLIONS of dollars worth of makeup products I've potentially stolen for years!
Or worse...What if my mother reads this blog, hops on a plane, to pull my by the ear to give them a formal written apology for wasting their time and money AND for failing her as a child?! Not to mention my attorney/sister-in-law is now probably legally obligated to at LEAST chastise me.
But then I thought, Wait. Didn't these losers make me cry when I was pregnant by yelling at me for going into an empty line that I was waved into by the cashier? And then I didn't feel so bad. In fact, I may steal some more shit to compensate me for these shenanigans.
Maybe some of these?
Or this? 
Or one of those!
Why not just keep it? All the cool kids are shoplifting these days and I'm sick spending my proverbial lunch period in the band room. Okay got me again--not completely metaphorical. I really did spend my lunch period picking sandwich out of my braces with the other band geeks. Does it illustrate my point any less?
But there is the long list of crazy that's been trapped in my brain since the incident that's made me nearly pack up and drop off the money. Not only that, but I've been worried about telling anyone about it!
What if the C.E.O of said retail store stumbles across my blog and then informs the police? I could be dragged from my home in a puff of smoke bomb gas by a S.W.A.T team that breaks down my door! Then I have to pay for a new door!! And then they downsize even more to cover costs of the assumed MILLIONS of dollars worth of makeup products I've potentially stolen for years!
Or worse...What if my mother reads this blog, hops on a plane, to pull my by the ear to give them a formal written apology for wasting their time and money AND for failing her as a child?! Not to mention my attorney/sister-in-law is now probably legally obligated to at LEAST chastise me.
But then I thought, Wait. Didn't these losers make me cry when I was pregnant by yelling at me for going into an empty line that I was waved into by the cashier? And then I didn't feel so bad. In fact, I may steal some more shit to compensate me for these shenanigans.
Maybe some of these?
Or this? Or one of those!
Posts
Yes, I'm legally obligated to chastise you. So consider yourself chastised. I'm too lazy to do it properly. See what a good lawyer I am?? LOL
ReplyDeleteAnd also? my first year of law school one of my classmates tried to convince me to shoplift a tube of lipstick from Wal-Mart. I thought, wow, we're getting off to a great start in law school!! (I didn't take it and she didn't either, even though she was upset that I didn't let her and kept telling me how she could totally get away with it)