I've been called ugly, pug ugly, fugly, pug fugly, but never ugly ugly.

AAARRRGGGRRRRRAAAAWWWWWRRRRLLLLLLPPPFFTTAHHLLSAAAPDAAOOOG!

That is the sound my brain is making inside my head this morning. It's mad at me for making it try to do a funny-as-shit blog when it's not in the mood. Not really, that's the clean version. Even I don't think you can start a blog with blogdamncocksuckmotherfuglyassmuncher! You just can't. What if a kid googles "assmuncher" only to have my dirty blog pop up with the word "fugly." I'm all about the families!

But back to me. Yeah, Me! ME ME ME!! Because this is the one place in the whole wide web that is for moi. (French is sexier, admit it.) I mean, unless there's some site dedicated to my awesomeness and filled with stalkery goodness that I don't know about--this is it. Trust me, there's no such page. I've googled myself plenty. And you can't run a stalker website of worship without proper tags.

This blog is the friend I get to gripe at when I don't feel like explaining every juicy detail of my bitch-a-thon. That's fabulous, because I know it won't ask questions. It won't say, "Hey, back that up a minute...where does the banana come in" or "so why were you googling yourself?" Nope. I just get to lean back in my folding chair and type away about anonymous douchebaggery that has been done upon me.

First off, let me just say that on Cyber Monday it is implied that the sales should last until Monday is over...not until say, 8:59 p.m. Seriously, I missed out on a reeeeallly good deal on a Christmas gift for the hubby because some A-hole at Amazon flunked the bit of 2nd grade math and science that told him how long a day lasts! Also, that Super Saver Shipping crap gets ya. I had one thing I was going to get and then that friendly little message pops up to say "Spend 5 more dollars and you get free shipping!"

So I go on my quest to find something that qualifies, because you can't just spend any regular 5 bucks you have to find Super Saver Shipping items to spend your $5 on to save $5 on shipping. I got so frustrated that I came back to it after dinner and the sale price was $43.99 instead of $19.99. Fartmonger!

Okay, so now I'm spending all freakin' week looking for stuff online to show my appreciation for my spouse and SHAZAAAM! Defeated by Cookies. You know how google "remembers" recent searches? Well a certain someone googled another someone and he wasn't looking for my well-deserved website shrine. Let's leave it at that. And this...

Douchebaggery!

Now I've got to pull the boogers off my son's face and go to the gym where I can run away from my problems anorexic-style, on an elliptical machine.