Don't say "uh oh". Vampires are not supposed to say "uh oh".

So a barista, a vampire, and my husband walk into a bar...wait, no I've screwed it up. But the punchline is the hottest joke ever?

This post needs some back story. Let's hip-smack, rewind it back, shall we? I could cleverly tell you the details of my conversations via facebook yesterday where this whole ordeal started, or I could just be clever and cut/paste them. So I give you status update and subsequent conversations, exhibit A:

Cassidy Pond-DiMaggio is re-reading the sookie books...but only the parts with Eric in them. Pathetic.

Jackie Marenick

Hahahaha! So you're an Eric lover?

Yesterday at 2:07pm · Delete

Jules Munger Bochenek

Eric and Cassidy sitting in a tree K-I-S-S-I-N-G!

Yesterday at 2:26pm · Delete

Cassidy Pond-DiMaggio

I am! Bill can suck it...well not literally, he'd rather enjoy that being a bloodsucker and all...but seriously, Eric's the way to go.
And you guys are going to get me in trouble. :( But all's fair; Dom's gone until 9 tonight so I'm allowed a book romance right?

Yesterday at 2:34pm · Delete

Jackie Marenick

Oh yes, I believe book romances are acceptable! (At least in my opinion :-P )

Yesterday at 2:38pm · Delete

Cassidy Pond-DiMaggio

I think that makes it law then. I'm safe!

Yesterday at 4:12pm · Delete

Dominic DiMaggio

Ahem....I'm here now...you can stop fantasizing about Eric...the FICTIONAL vampire!

And before you lump me into the pile of every other person with a vagina in the corner humping pictures of this guy,


let me explain that he is still this guy,



And I'm more or less hot for the blond, asshole viking for the sake of "Book Sookie"

and not this bitch

because Vampire Bill is a southern dick

and this guy is a terrible actor.

Now that's been cleared, I give you status update and subsequent conversations, exhibit B:

Cassidy Pond-DiMaggio doesn't feel good.

Christine Thurmond Serigne

I'm sorry! :( Everyone in Slidell is getting sick. It's nuts! I hope you feel better!

Yesterday at 8:22am · Delete

Cassidy Pond-DiMaggio

Jules and I were wondering if the Barista at Starbuck's was spitting in our coffee or something...

Yesterday at 8:25am · Delete

[edit of banter not relevant]

Crystal Belozerows Rico

Damn yall started stuff with the starbucks guy now! By the time you guys leave Louisiana, yall will be banned from everywhere! LOL! Hope you feel better Cassidy!

Yesterday at 10:44am · Delete

Christine Thurmond Serigne

lol Crystal!

Yesterday at 11:07am · Delete

Cassidy Pond-DiMaggio

Actually, the guy that rang me up at the register was kind of flirty. :)

Yesterday at 11:50am · Delete

Crystal Belozerows Rico

Oh! a Barista boyfriend, just what you need! Free coffee! LOL

Yesterday at 12:08pm · Delete

Cassidy Pond-DiMaggio

OMG, I didn't even think of the "perks." Like my pun? I should go back and hit on him...free coffees for all my friends!!

Yesterday at 12:10pm · Delete

Crystal Belozerows Rico

I know huh! Wouldn't that b nice!?!

Yesterday at 12:18pm · Delete

Dominic DiMaggio

sigh...Eric the Vampire, Skippy the Barrister.....should I go crawl into a hole now?

6 hours ago · Delete

Now my sweet and lovely husband made me coffee before leaving for work. Aaaand exhibit C:

Pretend that he wrote "barista" instead of "barrister."

Now if you're thoroughly confused, just google "Trueblood" and watch some YouTube videos for the next few hours.

Today's subject line quote is (surprise!) Sookie Stackhouse, "True Blood" (2008) {Escape from the Dragon House (#1.4)}.

Nobody leaves this place without singing the blues.

Dom and I have done a series of dates lately of which a babysitter was used. No big deal, but it does get tiresome to constantly explain where your child is.

Say, at the wedding we went to about 2 weeks ago? We knew a lot of people in attendance, and every moment we saw someone for the first time that night they'd ask "Where's Michael?" or "Aren't you missing something?"

Well, dumbass, since common sense seems to pass you by...I've actually come up with a Top 10 list of favorite answers I like to give people at such an occasion.

10. In the car. I cracked the window.
9. We sold him to the circus as a knife thrower.
8. He's in the bathtub, playing "easy-bake oven."
7. I knew I forgot something!
6. At work, where else?
5. Who's Michael? [walk off]
4. He's been adopted by a couple in China.
3. Prison. We don't like to speak of him any more.
2. Hm. Where did I leave him last?
1. [at Dom] I thought he was with you! [run off panicked]

All you parents out there are welcome to use any of them. I like sharing in my awkwardness.

Today's subject line quote is (from one of the best movies of my childhood) Albert Collins, "Adventures in Babysitting" (1987).

Ahhh! BINGO! What fun! But, I digress. Where were we?

My Labor Day weekend was, for the most part, uneventful and that's the way I like it. My father-in-law came to visit for slightly over 24 hours (Sat-Sun), Dom and I saw a movie, and just had a game night with a couple we know from Dom's office. The End. Oh, and Dom got me these in pink:



They're mop-slippers. I can clean with ease AND style!

Today's subject line quote is Col. Hans Landa, "Inglourious Basterds" (2009). (Great movie btw, it's what we went to see on Saturday. Entertaining from the start.)

I love this cornbread so much, I want to take it behind a middle school, and get it pregnant.

You know what I didn't wake up thinking two days ago? Hey, it'd be awesome if everyone's facebook exploded with uterine exegesis?! Yeah, that happened. And it ruined my routine of ass-sitting and Mommy chit-chat all day long.

Do I have to say it? I don't give a flying hunk of marmoset poo that Michelle Duggar is pregnant for the 19th time, and I'm certainly not shocked or surprised. The woman's uterus is a professional fetal support system--why shut down the factory after 20 years of hard labor? bah-dah-ching! High five? Anyone? Bueller?

But seriously, stop. Facebook has been overrun with commentary about a stranger's cooter for the last few days and I need it to end. Maybe it's just me, but unless I'm somehow related to the subject vagina, I don't want to know about what's in it. I also don't want to see pictures of the little alien-shaped embryo. Unless it has a percent chance of coming out looking like me. *muah-kiss-kiss* Close friends count as relatives, so no worries. I want to see your hoo-ha!

So here's to not over-sharing the deets of our reproductive organs to unfamilar faces! In the words of Juno, "I'm guessing it looks probably like a sea monkey right now and we should let it get a little cuter." K, thanks.

Today's subject line quote is Tracy Morgan, "30 Rock" (2006) {Hardball (#1.15)}.

O fair Hermia, thou art so incredibly hot and stuff.

This post is just to inform you all of my adorable husband. I mean, look at him!
Cute, right?

He always wakes me up in the morning to say he's leaving for work at the hairy-asscrack of dawn, and I only seem to appreciate it on the days I wake up before he leaves and get all huffy that he skedaddled without giving me a kiss first.

But apparently the semiconscious hugs I give from my pillow every morning are enough to have me declared "the best wife in the world" to facebook. What a lovely status update to see first thing today! And who said "Romance is dead," besides me earlier this week. What? I forgot that he seems to idolize me on facebook at times. But material presents are a nice touch too. *wink* You know, paying tribute to the goddess that is your wife? Flowers, candies, cards, human sacrifices...Wait, what?

Plus last Saturday we got to go to a wedding for the first time in 3 years and he was uber mushy and giving me the dough eyes...*sigh*...while wearing his formal dress whites.

(The first couple in the picture are Dave and Michelle)

I have "Hot Stuff" by Donna Summer playing in my head right now. Oh, and that's the dress I made for my birthday thankyouverymuch. You can't see the bottom of it in that picture so I'll give you another shot to ogle me in. This was from the weekend before last when Liz came to visit and we all went to New Orleans.


Ignore the gigantic, seductive bandaid on my back. That was so my hideous sexy stitches were covered and nobody on Bourban Street would puke on them.

Today's subject line quote is Berke Landers, "Get Over It" (2001).

Factoid three: Her fashion sense screams predator.

As many of you already know, I've been seeing a dermatologist for about a month or so now. I had a suspicious mole on my back biopsied; it came back atypical but noncancerous. Just to be safe, I had the surrounding tissue removed. The margins are clear and I'm super-duper.

Except I went in with a precancerous mole and came out with acne. Dr. D gave me two prescription creams and now my bacteria-face is peeling, the fuck, off. Oh, and not to mention that everything UNDER my skin has decided to get the hell out of dodge and surface. So I have a mountainous pimple on my chin big enough to be declared a city. I'm expecting to see tiny people starting to settle on it and plant a flag any day now.

Colossal blemishes aside, I really just wanted to tell you all about what my dermatologist likes to wear to work. Granted, I've only seen her on Fridays so it could be some "extreme casual Friday" business, but seriously? This is what she had on when I got my last set of stitches out...

She walks in wearing pajama pants. And I'm 90% sure they're not scrubs because they were the thin, well-worn, striped kind with the drawstring front, and a frayed hem. To go with the "I own my own practice and don't care what I wear" getup, she added some slip on shoes that looked like they were from Hot Topic. The kind a scene kid would wear, complete with black, white, and red checkered pattern and a bow on top. And here's the best part! She wore a longsleeved, gray undershirt with a tiny, Barbie pink t-shirt over it that had "Botox" bejeweled on it.

I shit you not. Here, I drew a picture of it. Today's subject line quote is Buffy, "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" (1997) {Teacher's Pet (#1.4)}.

It's not a crime to be an asshole, but it's very counter-productive.

Things I've done this summer so far:

* Built a corner desk out of shelving material and plastic drawers (total cost: $55)
* Designed a dress for my birthday outing (it's only lacking the hem now)
* Made 2 1/2 purses
* Taught a toddler to stick out his thumbs and say "Aaaayyy" like The Fonz
* Taught the same toddler the alphabet
* Finally decorated my house to near perfection (bedroom is still lacking)
* Won an epic war waged against killer ants invading my house
* Made an extended car trip with a 1 1/2 year old, solo
* Emailed my husband once a day for a month
* Celebrated my 5th wedding anniversary
* Had my cat cremated
* Brainstormed a kickass idea for a teen novel that will never be written
* Had a miniscule mole on my back removed for pretty much no reason at all
* Touched a hissing cockroach at the Insectarium
* Visited the Aquarium
* Perfected my sugar-free chocolate chip cookie recipe
* Had a smoke bomb explode in my hand, turning my fingers hot pink

What have you done?

Today's subject line quote is Ray Embry, "Hancock" (2008).