Money won't create success, the freedom to make it will.

Sorry if I've been vague-booking my mood on social media lately.  My confession?  I'm not good with math and my budget is shit.  Unless some financial miracle happens, school will be back to being a daydream.  I've applied for another type of student loan that might cover the rest of the cost of school, but it doesn't change the fact that I'll be taking a pay cut to work part time.  I've got a lot of little things that I could cut out to save some cash, but it's going to be difficult. 

I'm not a couponer.  I don't follow budgets well.  I don't track my spending hardly at all.  I'm basically a 33 year old teenager after getting her first job.  Look at all the monies I have!! I will spend it on Rockstar energy drinks and Amazon Prime!   But in all seriousness, my entire paycheck goes to childcare.  This whole school shindig is supposed to help me establish a real career where I could, potentially, afford to live without being completely dependent on support payments from my ex. 

But, I do live in Hoighty Toighty, CA USA.  Things are fucking expensive here and I'm a spoiled brat who is shitty with money.  I can do this.  Right?  I can totally reign in my inner Millennial and tighten up.  Though my essential bills like medications and electricity are pretty heavy.  I worry about those, too.

I also need to be patient with myself.  I'm working from the ground up and I've already upgraded my job once in the last year.  I was making minimum wage at a grocery store seven months ago and have already negotiated my wages up a dollar past starting pay for my current job.  I've been a stay-at-home mom my entire adult life outside of college until now.  I'm in the same category as a young adult who just moved out of her parent's basement.  I shouldn't expect my life to be together yet.  And sometimes life isn't put-togetherable.  Maybe a career with house and a car and a daily Starbuck's addiction isn't an attainable goal?  Time to shift some expectations and grow up.

Today's subject line quote is from Nelson Mandela. 

I see you shiver with antici...........pation.

Last night was the final bout of the season for the Monterey Bay Derby Dames and it was a very bittersweet night for me.  The event was themed Rocky Horror Roller Derby, so there were maid costumes and booty shorts with corsets a plenty.  Yours truly rocked the latter with some thigh high boots and fishnets (that have seen better days since I last wore them for my Harley Quinn costume last Halloween). 

It was a great game.  I'm only hella jealous to not have been on the track with my teammates, blocking against Spacey Lords.  This was supposed to be my bout.  This was the one we were all convinced I'd have passed my 27 laps in 5 minutes and be out there, using my magnificently large ass to my advantage.  Despite attempting my time trial multiple times per week, attending back to back practices, and scrimmaging sometimes for a total of 10 hours of skating per week, I still didn't make it over that plateau.  And it looks like I'll have to wait another year or so to get back to it, since my school schedule won't allow me to practice with the Dames any longer. 

Going to cosmetology school is an exciting new endeavor and I'm thrilled to be taking this opportunity for myself.  But, taking it at the expense of derby is heartbreaking.  Derby empowered me.  I regained (if not gathered for the first time in my life) a sense of confidence and badassery.  When I got my peacock tattoo, I told myself "If you can do this, you can do anything."  And I was right.  Derby saved my soul in the sense that I had spirit again.  There was something just for me that sparked the passion deep down in my guts.  I'm terrified what my life will be like without it, but I'm hoping hair design will give me that buzz as well. Derby is beautiful.  Everyone on the track is a combination of both fierce and agile. It's like performing a brutal dance.  I hope to dance again in the future.

In the mean time, I'll be volunteering with the league as an NSO (Non-Skating Official) and doing all the social events I possibly can.  Like how I sacrificed sleeping in order to go to the midnight showing of Rocky Horror at Paper Wing Theater last night after the bout.  It was amazingly fun and so worth the bags under my eyes this morning at work.  The cast was spectacular!  But honestly?  The star of the evening was, no doubt, my chest.

It was overheard during the game that bets were being taken on whether or not I'd have a wardrobe malfunction.  I did not, so I made 1 out of 5 guys richer.  You're welcome!  All my friends wanted to poke them.  Dr. Frankenfurter wanted to kiss them.  Strangers either stared at them or made really intense eye contact.  My teammates just randomly shouted "Booooobs!" at me all night long.  It was fun to be a spectacle, even more fun to be something I'm not usually.  It's not like I'm letting the ladies hang out with me at work.  I don't go to parent meetings with a baby butt on full display, either.  So it was nice to get out there and be sexy for an evening. 

Overall, it was a good night.  Even if I had some major feels about not participating in the bout and my decision to pursue adulthood over derby, it was a fun night.



Today's subject line quote is (obviously) from Rocky Horror Picture Show.

The two most powerful warriors are patience and time.

My patience isn't fabulous.  I'm not even one of those people who can do Christmas shopping early because I will immediately contact that person with, "LOOK WHAT I JUST GOT YOU!! ISN'T IT GREAT??"  So I usually buy everything online the week of and have it shipped directly.  So the fact that I have so many things up in the air right now, is a little excruciating. 

So many loose ends with school are keeping me up at night.  Plus the final details of my financial situation via the divorce is stressing me out.  They go hand-in-hand because if I can't afford to go to school...then I can't...you know, go to school.  And if I can't go to school, I'll be stuck in a dead end career.  My life will forever be asking if people need to make appointments and making less moulah than people who ask if they want fries with that. Which I've done, it's hard and shitty.  I'm doing far less physical labor now, but my skill set is more refined. 

And dating is fine line between being adorable and annoying to someone and I'm not sure how to balance that tightrope.  That's all I'm going to say about that particular topic.

Basically, send me things to distract me.  I need memes!  Tell me funny stories about your life.  What's something you've found entertaining in the last week or so?  Anything so that I don't dwell on the things that are on my mind right now. 

Today's subject line quote is from Leo Tolstoy.

There's many a man has hair than wit.

Most of you all know I like to reinvent my look every few months.  It keeps me interested in life.  A good portion of the time it's hair color.  I've been described as Tonks from Harry Potter because my hair is like a cheap, 90's mood ring.    I've had every hair color there is, even green (thanks to the bleaching process after my blue-galaxy inspired 'do).  It was sort of rainbow after that.  It looked like a unicorn wretched on my locks.  

Lately, I've been sporting a blackish hue.  I'm already over it.  Honestly, I'm tired of my hair alltogether.  I had the WORST haircut experience months ago and it's still growing out from that butchery.  I looked longingly at Cersei Lannister's hair cut in Game of Thrones after this disaster.  I have dreams about my hair being long again.  They are so comforting, like a warm hug.  I miss my long hair so much!  Here's a picture of how hot I was:

Sometimes I wake up from those dreams all excited to style my lushious hair and then look in the mirror and just sigh heavily.  This is taking FOR...EEEVVV.....EEERRR.  I feel like I'm in hair purgatory. 

Today's subject line quote is from William Shakespeare.

“The purpose of life is not to be happy. It is to be useful, to be honorable, to be compassionate, to have it make some difference that you have lived and lived well.”

I get stressed easily.  On the outside, I think I handle it super well.  On the inside?  I'm Michael Bay caliber explosions.  The worst is that I'm also spoiled so there's really no reason for me to even get stressed in the first place.  My life is coming together in a way I never felt possible while the people I love around me are struggling and it makes me realize how petty I can be. 

In the wake of the Puerto Rico and Las Vegas tragedies, I feel like I should be doing more to give back.  I've been skating by in my community.  Thoughts and prayers aren't going to help but I don't have the funds to donate at the moment.  I suppose I shouldn't feel too detached because I have given two small loans to friends in the last 6 months.  But I do.  I feel like I need to do more than just share memes and infographics on social media.  But how do I be more proactive?  How do I make a difference? 

My time is precious and it's about to become even more scarce as I embark on these new pathways.  So how do people do it?  How are there such truly great people in this world?  How can I be one?  I think my grace period of "You've got a lot going on right now." is coming to an end.  Why is this even bothering me so much?  I just feel like a really terrible person for having my shit together finally.

Today's subject line quote is from Ralph Waldo Emerson.

Here's the thing: Chilis is the new golf course. It's where the business happens.

Ever have a time in your life when everything just falls into place and feels so completely right that your organs could just burst from the inside out spewing happiness and rainbows all over the unsuspecting masses of seemingly depressed people because they obviously have less joy in their life than you do right now?  No?  Just me then? 

I've honestly never had that feeling either--before now.  I typically get the slightest tingle of happy in my bones and I freak the fuck out and make up some sort of psuedo crisis.  I go looking for drama.  Drama is my cozy blanket and cup of coffee on a rainy day.  So have I now grown up enough to embrace the delightfulness?  Move over chaos!  Stability is the new sherrif in town.

Granted, I get this sort of euphoria every Fall.  The suburban, yoga-pant wearing, white girl in me can't help but squeal when pumpkin spice flavored scarves come back into fashion.  October makes me giddy in the way that my two-year-old lights up when she sees...pretty much anything.  She's typically the most genuinely happy kid on the planet.  But you should have seen us at the county fair.  I freakin' LOVE goats!  I will talk to them for hours because they make the best sounds.  It's simply another beautiful aspect of my Autumnal love of life.  But this feels a little more substantial than a Fall tease.

For those of you following along at home, my cosmotology school tour went really well.  I think I might actually do this!  There's one catch...I'll have to put roller derby on the backburner for about a year.  I can still be involved in the league, but practices aren't in the cards.  I'll be too busy learning to do perms for old ladies and ombres for basic bitches.  I have two weeks to decide, get my work on board with me going part-time, convincing my nanny and kids that this is going to be a similar schedule change, and work out my budget so that I can still feed my morning latte addiction.

And for those of you waiting for a date update, I never made it to Ikea.  I was so excited to get to Modesto that I skipped the stop in Palo Alto and went straight over.  I'm not going to divulge many details because there's a .0098% chance he's going to read this and then freak out that I want to turn us into a modern day Brady Bunch.  But, we had the best time ever.com.  That's an inside joke.  We have those.  Jealous?  Also, our song is "Angry White Boy Polka" by Weird Al.  Super Jealous?  You know you are.

Today's subject line quote is from The Office, Season 2: Episode 7, "The Client."  

Ikea products should come free with Happy Meals

I turned 33 this year and I don't know what I want to be when I grow up.  STILL.  When the fuck does that actually happen?  I'm working toward it.  In fact, I've been setting up appointments to tour cosmetology schools lately.  I have one tomorrow morning, in fact--followed by a trip to Ikea and then a date.  How does one dress for that trifecta?  I'm going to have to pull out some fashionista genius for this one.

So why cosmetology school?  My career as the best receptionist in Monterey is making me dead inside.  It's too much down time.  On a daily basis, I doodle with colored pencils on post-it notes, read ebooks and comics, write articles and poetry, plan fake parties on Pinterest, and play "How much like a sex operator can I sound like over the phone without creeping out my coworkers."  Good times.  But seriously, I need more.  As an artist, I need more to do with my hands.  I had that outlet with cake decorating, but then they started utilizing my meat slicing skills via the deli and I was OUT.  Not only was it gross, it was terrifying.  As someone who watched too many horror films as a kid which somebody gets their fingers mangled in the garbage disposal, conquering the slicers was a nightmare come true. 

I still take the occasional cake order out of my house to keep me happy.  So no doubt, I'll strap on my skates and roll around the kitchen while I'm baking for my friends and family.  If you ever want a birthday cake, hit me up.  My chocolate chip cookies are also notoriously delectable.  Baking is in my top 5 favorite things of all time, along with my kids, lattes, the arts, and derby.  I need more excuses to bake...for other people...so I don't get fatter.  I haven't made the devil's food cupcakes with bacon icing in a loooong time.  Who wants one?  Bueller?

Wish me luck on all the things tomorrow!  Becoming a cosmetologist would make me a professional artist again.  I'd get to use my hands on a daily basis and not only create art out of hair and makeup designs, but I'd be helping people feel better about themselves.  As someone who takes self care very seriously to counteract depressive episodes, I can honestly say that it can be life saving.  And my date is super hot and a doctor of psychology.  And IKEA!!



Today's subject line quotes is from Steve Fowler.