Human contact... crushing... Goth... indifference...

I have a goth baby. He may not be into the piercings and dark soul mumbo jumbo just yet, but he's definitely got the makeup covered.

Lately, my little button pusher has been sneaking into my bathroom and playing in the drawers. He steals various beauty supplies and hides them all over the house. Yesterday he pulled out a blush brush from his toy box and proceeded to give me a makeover. He's dab the brush on the sofa and them apply linty dog hair to my face. I kept asking, "Is Mommy pretty?" and he'd reply with a head shake until he was finished assaulting me with my own makeup brush. Then, he finally said "Yeah."

What makes him a goth baby, you ask? Oh, today he did his usual rooting around and nicking eyeliner from my top drawer and I didn't pay much attention. When I did eventually turn to look at what the munchkin was doing, he was covered in black lipstick. All over his precious, emo face and hands.

Since abut 6:30 this morning I've been following him with a wet rag trying to clean the angst off his fingers...and my walls. There are little black hand prints smudged over EVERYTHING. It's even on his teeth! Really the smudging over his face and blacked out teeth make him look more like a redneck kid than a goth baby. Regardless, I'm so proud?

You want your gift or what? Today I'm giving you all this
and this to go with it

Today's subject line quote is Samantha "Sam" Manson, "Danny Phantom" (2004) {Flirting with Disaster (#2.11)}.

You know, the sun is the real silent killer. And not just direct sun, also second-hand sun.

In my infinite boredom lately, I stumbled upon an article on yahoo between playing rounds of Chuzzle and Puzzle Inlay. It was one of those news stories in the top feed that they feature on the homepage. You know, the ones they cycle out a sciency one with a trashy celebrity story and then back to a political hotspot?

It was a sciency one. And in honor of my missing husband, I clicked on it to somehow telepathically impress him with my quest for cosmological knowledge. It's all about how scientists are preparing to explore the side of the sun that we haven't seen yet. You can read about it here: First View of the Dark Side of the Sun.

The more I read, the more I realized that they want to study the "dark side" of the sun to better predict solar flares. Yeah, they want to give the sun an colonoscopy to understand when it's going to fart.

That's all. I simply have a juvenile sense of humor and felt obligated to share it. For those of you more into slapstick comedy, I did spill coffee all over my floor 2 seconds after accidentally unplugging the laptop. I sort of juggled the coffee mug like a hot potato for a bit before it rolled off my arm, liquid streaming the whole time. At least my room smells like hazelnut now, right?

Now for your gift! How bout some bangin', light up sunglasses?



Today's subject line quotes is Jim Maxwell, "Action" (1996) {Twelfth Step to Hell}(#1.6)}.

What's the rush? I got enough grease slapped on me to lubricate a diesel.

While Dom has been away, I have found a new love. A French lover, by the name of Batiste!

Let me back up a bit. My sisters chipped in to get me a gift card to Amazon.com for my birthday back in July. I promptly used that puppy on a cool as hell drawing table for the computer, but it left me with a whopping 5 dollars left over. Since then, I have been shopping around when I get bored looking for oddities that can only be found on a wonderland like Amazon.

Nothing was striking my five dollar fancy, when I read an article about hair care in one of my girly magazines. It was the usual la-di-dah about how one shouldn't wash their hair every day because it's damaging and so forth. Unfortunately for me, I have the world's worst hair for that. It needs washing at least every 12 hours. And I've tried about everything!

Washing hair at night? Nope, I guess I sweat a lot under the covers because I wake up with enough grease in my hair to fry potatoes. A lot of hollywood starlets like to use the baby powder trick too! Wanna know what that does? Gives my hair white speckles and goes right back to nasty in a couple of hours.

So the article suggested, for people with my problem, to try dry shampoo. I was blown away! I didn't know they made dry shampoo! Click, and proceed to checkout. It arrived yesterday and I looooooovvvvee it. It will be wonderful for those awful, no nap days when I can't take a shower. Or times when I have an appointment in the morning and don't want to wake up at 4 before the kiddo does to take a shower. Sweet!

So today's present is an amazon gift card worth $500 so you, too, can find your true love.

Today's subject line quote is from Coley, "Charlie's Angels" (1976) {Caged Angel #4.6)}.

I was wearing Bermuda shorts and that saddle was slick with toddler sweat!

What is it with kids wanting to get up before the sun does? I've been awake for 20 minutes now and I'm still waiting on that big, flaming ball to show up. Unfortunately, it's about 6:30 so I can't send the tot back to bed.

I'm really starting to appreciate everything that Dom does in the mornings. So far I've let the cat back in from his all night escapade, fed him and two dogs, calmed down the screaming baby, and fed the baby. That was all before I got a chance to pee, too!

Last night was the latest I've managed to stay up this whole week. Mad kudos for me making it to 10 p.m. everybody! I'm plum tuckered out. But at least the munchkin man went to bed at 8:00 last night and not 7-7:30 like he's been crashing lately. He's trying to get used to Dom being gone too. He's really been testing me to see what he can get away with, with only one parent around.

So far I've had him steal my wallet out of my purse and hide it in the kitchen drawer (later I also found my shampoo and deodorant in said drawer), learn to climb on the sofa (where I had to do a dive to catch him and keep him from cracking his head open and spilling brains everywhere), and had him climb on top of the dining room table...twice. Thanks to my mom's brilliant advice, I set up the pack n' play as a time out spot. That way I can actually ignore him during that time and he's less likely to do all that bad stuff. It also gives me 3 minutes to check my email or go to the bathroom without a toddler crying for me to come where he can reach me.

In addition to being Super Mom, I've also been pretty Suzy Homemaker in the boring parts of my day. I've kept the house pretty clean, done all the laundry, and even made homemade cookies. In fact, I was making those when Michael decided to start standing on top of the dining room table. I've even stopped using the dishwasher and started doing dishes by hand as they get dirty. It saves me time and is a little relaxing. Plus Michael likes to climb into the dishwasher when it's open...so that doesn't work too well.

Sound like we've hit the terrible two's anyone? Parenthood is awesome though. He's also proven to be a big smarty pants lately and not just bratty. He has been bringing me books to read him, like hourly. One of which he can point out the animals when I ask where they are! And yesterday I gave him a piece of pizza that hadn't cooled off completely. Instead of putting it into his mouth he touched it, said "oh" and then blew on it.

Well, enough baby talk. I think he's done with his cereal now...so I have to go get him before he tries to climb out of the high chair. I got him a booster seat for the table, but he sits pretty still in the mornings watching the Disney channel and eating his cheerios.

Your prize for enduring that long and incredibly boring email is some Swiss chocolates
and a Booze Belt.

Today's subject line quote is from Dr. Niles Crane, "Frasier" (1993) {You Can Go Home Again (#3.24)}.

Dude, stow the touchy-feely, self-help-yoga crap. It's not helping!

Last night was the big, 2 hour premier of "Lost" and I was passed out like a bitch by 8:55. Thank Blog for Tivo, right? Unfortunately, I did not sleep well despite my early retirement.

Turns out that Dom must be a massive, massive heat source in our room. Because with him gone, I was cold as balls on ice! I had the heat on. I had socks on. I even had a dog and a cat curled up under the covers! But did that make me warm and snuggly? Not so much. I miss the Dom-shaped lump under the comforter. But at least one day's down, right?

Oh, and I don't have to deal with Dr. Crapburger, Gynocologist at Large for a while. He said many, many things that would otherwise not be appropriate for a man to say if he had not been a gynocologist. We'll just leave it at that.

Now I'm trying to decide if I'm up for yoga today or if I want to push it back and take Saturday's class instead. Tomorrow I promised a friend that I would go shopping about 45 mins-1 hour away and I don't forsee me getting much down time if I don't take today off. I really love that yoga class though! It's the same teacher and level on Saturday, too...so I think I'm just going to go then. It will also give me something to do this weekend rather than be bored and have nothing to break up the days with.

For the wintery weather, today's gift to you is dude on a leather couch wearing a Snuggie.

Today's subject line quote is Dean Winchester, "Supernatural" (2005) {Phantom Traveler (#1.4)}.

Steady on, Doc. That's me you're talking about.

I'm so very excited this morning. Today is finally my appointment with the lady parts doctor. Some of you may remember that this has been a battle months in the making.

First, I called the local sheriff's office trying to book an appointment. And yes, I managed to spill the details of what procedures I needed done before the voice on the other line informed me of my dialing error. Then, I had to make an appointment with my regular doctor, who then referred me to this guy. Now I have to meet a man who will shake my hand and then shake his in my hoo-ha. Can't wait.

Let's not forget that I get nervous at doctor's offices and revert back to a 5 year old following directions. Who knows why...but I do. I hear about the first 4 words and then panic. When I had my initial blood work done after getting knocked up, I peed in the cup wrong. Turns out, I was supposed to pee in a cup AND a tube. Who pees in the cup wrong?! Me.

When I had my physical to donate plasma back in Fayetteville, I totally made an ass of myself. The doc there, who was totally not wanting to be there in the first place, told me to lay down on my back. Laid down on my stomach. He gave me such an Are you special? look and all I could do was shyly tell him that I get nervous.

And now, I recount all of those embarrassing details for the entire internet. What is wrong with me? Don't answer that. Here, have a present.



And your subject line quote is Fr. Vincent, "Ballykissangel" (1996) {Getting Better all the Time (#6.7)}.

So tell me, Commodore, why are the weirdos the only ones who pay their rent checks in advance?

Yesterday, I had a decent MLK day. How about you?

Started off by winning a game of rock, paper, scissors and securing my right to sleep in while Dom took care of Michael. He still says I cheated. I say he's too predictable. You'd think he would learn his strengths and weaknesses by now. After almost 5 years of marriage, I know him pretty well. I can just see it in his face if he's gonna pull out a balled up fist for rock or a flat palm for paper.

Regardless, we can play all the games of RPS we want and it's not going to stop him from leaving tomorrow for the middle of the ocean. It's only 2 weeks, but it's our 2 weeks that we would be otherwise together. I've also never been alone with Michael for longer than 4 or 5 days. As soon as he gets back, he's only home for another week or so before leaving for another 2 week trip. On top of that, he'll be gone most of June--missing our 5th anniversary. So take your that's not a real deployment BS and spill it to someone who deserves it; because I'm going to have to be dealing with people like the ones I encountered yesterday while grocery shopping.

Dom was gracious enough to cook a beautiful dinner of big, fat manicotti for me. So I offered to make dessert and get some last minute fixin's for the meal (bread, salad, etc.). While at the store, I ran into Geraldine. We talked in the aisle for a few, and as I was about to walk away some random weirdo comes in between us and says, "One more beautiful lady and you could be the Charlie's Angels." He then stooped and did a gun pose and kept talking about how you need at least 3 but could use up to 5 for it.

I'd hate to think what my face looked like after that, because G's scowl and What the hell? eyebrow raise was pretty telling. Unfortunately, that wasn't the end of my encounter with eccentric grocery store patrons.

After getting home and having lunch, I realized I had not gotten the bread. Damn the bread! I wasn't about to go all the way back to Wally World for a French loaf. And, since Dom had kept Michael while I was gone to the store last time...I was due to take him with me. So we hopped in the car, and headed for the little market just down the street from the house.

Getting Michael out of the car, there was a guy pulling his beat up Camry out of the spot next to mine. He turned his deafening bass off, rolled down his window, and called out "How you doin? That's a cute baby!" As I turned around to see the two toddlers bouncing around in his back seat, definitely not safely secured in carseats, he also said "Mama's pretty cute, too" before driving away.

The moral of the story? I don't know...if I wear my hair curly it brings out the freaks? There was a very nice person at the store, as well. It's not all creeps and kooks. She was shopping alone with her newborn and dropped a 6 pack of paper towels trying to hold him and lay them on the bottom of her basket. I helped her get situated, she told me where the green olives were. In dropping another couple of things before I left, she also said "I knew this was a bad idea."

I really wanted to be profound and tell her that there aren't any bad ideas, only bad outcomes. But, then I'd be one of the weirdos she'd probably blog about later. And I have a reputation to uphold.

Ready for your present? Just in case you have the same shopping debacles filled with oddballs and asshats...I'm giving you all pepper spray.




Today's subject line quote is by Mr. Nutt from "The X Files" (1993) {Humbug (#2.20)}